In Alan Jones’ wonderful book, Soul Making, we are given a chapter that deals with illusion. Jones is the now-retired Dean of the Episcopal Cathedral in San Francisco and a personal friend. When I discovered this book, which is now dated, I was so engaged and helped by Jones’ reflections on faith, theology and our spiritual journey. I still find it very helpful. I have even used it in one of my college classes, but I am not sure students find it as helpful. Sometimes, I think it is because much of what Jones does is for people a little further along in life.
In a chapter entitled, “The Fiftieth
Gate,” Jones shares a story from the Jewish sage, Ellie Weisel. Essentially, it is a story about a young
disciple who is ardent in his studies, but is undisciplined. At one point, he leaves his teacher and rabbi
and runs off on his own. He even leaves
the Jewish community and in almost every way comes to his wits end. Almost like the gospel story, the rabbi goes
to look for his wayward student.
The young man has passed through all
sorts of stages of doubt and knowledge.
He comes to the fiftieth gate, beyond which is the abyss. As Jones tells the story, beyond the abyss
are two choices, which are now the choices of the young Jewish disciple. And perhaps they finally are also our two
choices. Jones puts the choices this
way: “…one is self-destruction; the other the believer recognizes as the abyss
of faith.” (109). Jones then applies this to the path of every person’s
spiritual journey. He applies it especially
to God, the one in whom we will have faith…or not.
Jones assures us, “If we are willing
to pursue our line of questioning to the bitter end, we eventually come to the
fiftieth gate. Here we realize that not
only is everything we concoct about God an illusion, but everything we concoct
about ourselves and our world is an illusion.” (109-110). To my ears, this
sounds very Buddhist. But I also think
it is very Christian. In fact, it
probably is simply very human. I also
think the person who refuses to have questions is the person committed to a
fairly superficial life. To be human is
to have questions.
However, as Jones notes, through our
questions, we will come to know we also “have reached the abyss.” (110) At this point is where I find hope---which is
different than faith. I find hope
because, again as Jones promises me, “We have come to the point where we need
to help each other.” In the face of the
abyss---of nothingness and the void---we will also come to know that we need
each other. Community is the revelation
of the abyss. Once more, Jones puts it
in simple terms: our questions become “the means by which we come home to
ourselves and to each other.”
It is at this point that Jones
becomes theological, but this is done in a way that makes theology real for
me---not simply some academic exercise.
He does theology from the perspective of community. He recognizes that “We need companions who
will struggle with us…for the sake of value and meaning.” Amazingly and surprisingly, Jones tells us
that “Companionship, if it is direct and honest, will lead us in the direction
of the fiftieth gate.” The true
companion will help us get to the place of authentic faith---not merely some
intellectual beliefs that we call faith.
Jones puts it in a more sophisticate
way. “We are entering the realm of
Faith---which is not assent to a set of propositions, but walking into the
Unknown.” (112). Our companion and guide
will walk with us so that we come to understand “that God reveals himself in
our very questioning.” Questioning helps
us get real. This is how Jones describes
getting real. “Doubt is part of the arsenal of faith. It keeps it fresh and honest.” This is not always the kind of counsel we get
in a church, which may be why sometimes they seem out of touch.
I appreciate how Jones articulates
it. He quips about doubt, “In our daring
to argue and in our struggle to understand, the blood begins to flow through a
tired and worn-out faith.” But don’t do
it alone. I believe he is correct to
say, “All our efforts to go it alone comes to nothing. We need each other.” (114) Not surprisingly, this process will cause us
to change. It requires us actually to
step out in faith. I remember the advice
of my friend who said faith is like trust.
We actually step onto the wobbly path of life. Belief is merely the head thing that says we
believe we can negotiate the path of our life.
Trust is taking the step into life!
I continue to find this
helpful. For one thing, I know my
tendency to try to go it alone. Jones
tells me it won’t work, so it makes me willing and grateful for companions and
for community. I also know that I can
prefer to rest with theology. I can be
content with my beliefs and my head knowledge that makes me think I have it
figured out. But I also know that is not
faith. I know that faith will lead me
through doubts to my own fiftieth gate.
It will lead me to the abyss of faith where I will have to step onto my
path in life. And it will change me.
Let’s go!
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