Host and Guest

Hosting and being a guest are two sides of the same coin.  I was first clued in to this fact when I learned Latin.  The Latin word, hospes, gives us the English words, hospital, hospice and related words.  In its Latin form, it can be translated “host,’ “guest” or “stranger.”  That is why I can say that hosting and being a guest are two sides of the same coin.  The Latin coin is hospes.  Let’s look at each side of the coin.

Probably most of us learn about being a guest before we learn about hosting.  I have early childhood memories of going with my dad into the town in early mornings.  For a kid growing up on the farm, this was a big deal.  Since I was the oldest kid, there could be an entire day when I would see no one except my two parents.  That was not bad.  But it was more fun to go to town and see some of my dad’s friends. 

Often we would stop at the local drugstore, which was really the epicenter of human interaction on an early morning in that small town.  There the guys would gather, have coffee and talk about local sports and world news.  I felt years beyond my age when they would accept me into the circle.  At least, that is how I interpreted.

I would not have had the language yet that could have told you I was a guest in their midst.  They were gracious to me.  They invited me into their space.  They made space for someone who did not quite fit.  I was young, inexperienced and had literally nothing to contribute to the conversation.  But I was their guest.  And I felt immensely important for having been included.

I think that early experience taught me much about being a guest.  People invited me into the gang.  They made a place for me---even though it was a temporary visit.  They made me feel welcome and important.  I was put at ease.  I was comfortable.  I could be myself---no pretentions needed to be present.  They helped me to learn how to invite guests into my places and my life.  This has been a great lesson in life for me.

If we turn over the coin, the other side is the hosting side.  To host is to initiate.  To host someone is to invite him or her into your place---your home, your room, or even your space.  Fundamental to hosting is the willingness to include and to share.  There is a kind of grace to effective hosting.  Perhaps some folks are naturally gifted with hosting abilities. 

But I am also sure we can learn to be effective hosts.  In the first place, effective hosts are people who are willing to take responsibility for hosting.  Guests are at the mercy of the hosts.  In fact, one cannot be a guest until someone decides to be a host.  In addition to taking responsibility, the effective host makes the whole process easy and pleasant when he or she is gracious.  Bringing a guest or stranger into a place of comfort takes effort and grace.

The effective host makes the guest feel comfortable and even wanted.  A good host makes being guest easy.  We all know what it is like to feel awkward.  A feeling of being awkward often is accompanied by the feeling that “I want out of here!”  When some people host me, that “I want out of here” feeling dominates my thinking.  Instead of relaxing as a guest, I am furtively looking for the fastest way out of the situation.  I find myself praying for a “guest exit” sign!

By the time we become adults, we have experienced both being hosts and being guests.  In my experience they both were learned and take some effort.  Perhaps being host is a little more demanding, simply because the host is the initiator and the responsible one---at least in the beginning.

As I write this, I realize this phenomenon is potentially quite spiritual.  Perhaps this hosting-being guest experience is very much an analogy to the human encounter with the Holy One.  It is tempting to think God is always the host and we humans are always the guests.  But this misses half the opportunity.

For sure, the Holy One is a host.  In fact, God is an amazing host.  Potentially God hosts us into some of the truly profoundest places and opportunities.  By definition God invites us into relationship, includes us, makes us comfortable, is gracious unto us and so much more.  As guests, there is so much to look forward to when the Divine Hosting includes us.

I also think we can host the Holy One.  God invites us, to be sure.  But we also can invite God into our midst, into our lives.  In fact, some of us have lived a life so self-focused, it would be fair to say God is actually a stranger.  For God to become real to us will require that we take the initiative and invite God to be our guest.

To be human is to be both host and guest.  Consider life to be an opportunity to practice both.

Mindfulness for the Moment

I often wonder what goes through folks’ minds when they see the title of my inspirational reflection.  When I use the word, mindfulness, I wonder what sort of connotations that has for the people who read this.  If they have some awareness of Buddhism, they might figure I am doing a Buddhist thing today.  Certainly mindfulness plays a very important role in Buddhist spirituality.  But mindfulness is not a Buddhist concept.  It is a more general concept which plays a huge role in Buddhist practice.          

I suspect there is a role for mindfulness in every major religious tradition.  Clearly, the word, mindfulness, may not be used in all the traditions, but the idea is there. In fact, it is difficult for me to imagine anyone who is religious or spiritual who is not mindful in some way.           

Let’s take a general look at what people mean when they use the word, mindfulness.  I like the definition I found in a recent article.  The writer talks about mindfulness as “intentionally paying attention to the present nonjudgmentally.”  This is a good definition for me.  It does not seem essentially to be Buddhist, although Buddhists no doubt would be comfortable with that.  It is also easy for me to imagine Jesus would be very comfortable with that idea of intentionally paying attention to the present nonjudgmentally.  I would hope Christians would be comfortable with it, too.  And probably Jews and Muslims would be ok with it.           

The real issue, however, is not whether someone agrees with the definition.  That is easy.  The real issue is how to practice that.  That is the real question for the Buddhist, the Christian, the Jew and the Muslim.  Words are easy.  Practice is not always so easy.  The real issue is not whether I believe the sentence.  It is how do I put into practice the sentiments of the sentence.  To do that will make me a better person---more spiritual---and it will help me to make the world better.  This is applied spirituality, if you like.            

The author had another idea that I liked.  She said mindfulness is a good way to “take yourself out of autopilot.”  Perhaps this means a great deal to me because I recognize that I spend too much time on autopilot.  Autopilot is not inherently bad.  It is not sinful.  It is just a state of mind that is not engaged.  It is a life that simply exists, but does not experience vibrancy, depth and meaning.  Autopilot is getting by when you can get so much more out of life.           

Mindfulness is a great way to take yourself out of autopilot.  Mindfulness is a means by which we can experience ourselves.  Mindfulness is a great way to be aware of the world around me.  It is to be aware of your suffering and the suffering of others.  Mindfulness helps me see the grace I am daily offered.  And mindfulness enables me to be a graceful conduit of love and mercy to a world sorely in need of careful attention instead of careless inattention.           

A final basic sense of mindfulness comes with the author’s description of the practice of mindfulness.  She says mindfulness “is about being present.”  Again that sounds so simple---and perhaps ultimately it is---but it is not easy for most of us to manage this state.  Being present.  Who would not want to be present?  The illusion is most of us probably assume we are present.  In fact, most of us are probably absent---and absent from ourselves and the world we inhabit.             

There is an alternative.  The alternative is life and, as Jesus said, life abundantly.  The article quotes Dr. Baime, Director of a program at University of Pennsylvania Health System.  Dr. Baime tells us that mindfulness can “create a world where you experience depth, meaning and connectedness. You see joy and sadness more fully and settle more deeply into an authentic way of being.”  That is a great description of what being present means.  It is not an idea; it is an experience.  It leads to a way of living.           

I long for the kind of world that brings depth, meaning and connectedness.  That sounds like a spiritual world to me.  Picture the opposite kind of world: shallowness, meaninglessness and loneliness.  That is a description of hell on earth.  It is not spiritual and certainly not desirable.           

Mindfulness is not magical.  It is not a secret.  It is a practice.  It is a way to begin to be centered.  It seeks the center.  For Christians the center is that place deep within where my soul meets the Holy One.  For the Buddhist mindful practice brings awareness.  It enables me to be present.  It creates a world of depth, meaning and connectedness.           

Notice the language: it creates.  Mindfulness is something you can do.  It is a way of taking responsibility for your life and for your own meaning.  Mindfulness creates and it is creative.  It is a choice we have.  Mindfulness is a choice for the moment---for the present. 

Fundamental Human Questions II

If the first fundamental human question is “who am I,” surely the second question is “what should I do?”  In most cases these two questions are inextricably tied together.  What happens with one question affects the other one.  However, we can only talk about them one at a time, so this reflection piece gives focus to the question, what should I do?           

The first thing to realize in this question is the focus goes on the verb.  In the other question, “who am I,” the focus was on the subject---on “who.”  But in this second question the focus clearly shines on the verb---“do.”  The implication is everyone should do something.  Not doing something is, in effect, doing something, i.e. doing nothing.  This tells me that human beings are essentially designed to be somebody and to do something.  The only questions are who am I as a somebody and what should I do, since I have to do something.           

Humans were designed from the beginning to do something.  In the Genesis story of human creation, the original humans were planted in the garden of Eden---in Paradise.  And there in paradise God gave them something to do.  They were supposed to till and keep the garden of Eden.  It is as if God said, you cannot be truly human and do nothing.  Here is the Divine task for you.  You have to take care of Paradise!  That certainly sounds like an important job!  And that is a pretty important Boss!           

When things did not go so well for the original humans, they were kicked out of Eden.  In the biblical story and made famous in John Steinbeck’s epic title, the humans were condemned to live East of Eden. Things became more difficult.  The world was no longer paradise.  They had to work the land and endure some pain in childbirth.  The things to do became more demanding.  And that sounds a great deal like the world in which we live.  It is not paradise.           

It is not paradise, but it is not necessarily awful.  The idea of doing something took on new meaning in later spiritual traditions.  In the New Testament tradition, the idea of doing something became connected with how Jesus “called” people to be disciples.  In fact, when Jesus came along and said to various people, “follow me” he was calling them into not only a relationship, but an obligation.          

The relationship with Jesus Christians call their discipleship.  A disciple is one who follows the rabbi---a disciple becomes a student connected to his or her rabbi, or teacher.  In some sense this is the identity issue for a Christian---who I am as a Christian.  And it has implications for the other fundamental human question: what should I do.           

To use traditional language again, what the disciple should do is “ministry.”  In Latin ministry means to “serve.”  That is the job: to serve---to do.  You are to serve neighbor and stranger, friend and enemy.  That is a tall order.  Basically your doing is to love.  To love is to serve.           

Later in spiritual history the idea of “doing” was connected with the Latin word, vocatio.  Clearly, the English word, vocation, comes from that word.  Spiritual people had a vocation---a “calling.”  This was not narrowly limited to being a priest or monk.  Every spiritual person had a vocation---a calling.  It might have to do with your job.  It might have to do with some other kind of ministry.  You vocation might be as simple as being the best wife or husband you could be.  That would be God’s desire for you.           

Like the earlier Eden story, something happened to the idea of vocation.  It became secularized.  It lost its spiritual roots.  Vocation came to mean merely a job or a career.  God disappeared and lowly human bosses took God’s place.  East of Eden became the secular world we all know as our own.  The key spiritual question here,  however, is still “what should I do?”           

That is not a career issue.  It is not something to go to career services and get a lead!  Instead, one goes back to the basics.  One engages the Holy One to get a sense of what to do.  The answer in some sense is always going to be some form of ministry---some form of service.           

Traditional spiritual language says what you do is God’s will.  Some folks don’t like “God’s will” language.  Personally I prefer to talk about God’s desire.  God has desires for each and every one of us.  We need to find a way to know that desire.  That might be prayer, meditation, reading---there are many ways to know God’s desire.  It might have to do with your job.  But more than likely, it has more to do with your place and situation in the world and how you can be part of the kingdom-building which is God’s ultimate goal.             

In a real sense our “to do” list is nothing less than the restoration of Paradise.  Our ministry is to take us back to Eden.  Or probably more likely, our calling is to work toward the Kingdom that is to come.  The simplest way to doing this is to be clear who you are spiritually.  And then, begin acting and doing what mature spiritual people should do: love, work for justice, be compassionate, etc.

Fundamental Human Questions

I have the pleasure throughout my day of engaging some very interesting people.  Many of those people are students.  And others are adults of various ages and stages.  I don’t do too much with the younger children, so I can’t speak to that level of human development.  I have read about the earlier developmental stages, but I don’t have a great deal of practical experience.  I have watched my two daughters grow through the various stages, but that probably is not sufficient evidence for stating truths about life. 

As I have paid attention to the range of conversations over the years, I conclude there may be two fundamental human questions.  I am sure others could argue there are many other fundamental human questions.  Of course, many might agree with my two questions.  Right now I posit these two.

The first fundamental human question asks, “who am I?”  Essentially, this is the human question of identity.  I can’t tell you for sure when kids begin to ask that question.  But I suspect it is earlier than many of us assume.  I know psychologists talk about stages of human development and that makes sense to me.  Let’s pick up human development at the teenage years, since this is when I first encounter students in college.  College is a time when people normally are “redoing” their identity.   

This does not mean people who are college-age disregard entirely their former identities---although this occasionally happens.  More often than not, it means the people this age are able to form an identity on their own.  Perhaps for the first time, they are free to start thinking about “who am I” on their own terms.  They are able to begin the process to be the person they want to be.  They usually are free not to be solely the person their parents want them to be or other authority figures (or peer figures) want them to be. 

It is not unusual for some folks to delay this process until middle age or even later.  Many of us spend almost a lifetime being the person other people want us to be---spouses, our kids, our co-workers.  Hopefully all of us have a chance to be free enough to become the person we are meant to be. 

As a spiritual person, I would add one more piece to identity.  I think the person we are meant to be is actually the person God wants us to be.  Writers on spirituality refer to this person as the “true self.”  I am happy to talk about the true self as our “real self” or our “authentic self.”  The language is not crucial here.  What is crucial is the chance for us to be the authentic person we can be.  I argue this person is also the person (the self) God want us to be.   

I could put it this way: my true self is the authentic person I want to be which is simultaneously the person God wants me to be.  This sounds like the answer to the key question, who am I?  The corollary question, then, becomes: how do I manage this true self?  What is the process by which I become my true self? 

No doubt, the answer is complex.  However I think there are two facets of the process.  I will need to give particular attention to my own sense of who I want to be.  I probably need to spend some time in prayer, meditation or some form of seeking what God’s sense of my identity might be.  There are other resources, like the Bible and tradition, that offer good clues to shaping our spiritual identity.  To spend a little time doing this is counter-cultural.  Most Americans spend little to no time thinking about identity---who am I---in this fashion. 

I like to use the language of “process” to describe how the true self is discovered and developed.  I don’t think it is an “answer” we find, lock in, and then never worry about again.  Identity is typically a process.  If I begin to figure out in my 20s who I truly am, that does not mean the answer is the same as when I am in my 40s or 80s.  Circumstances change and my identity will reflect the changing circumstances. 

For example, at one point I was not a parent, and then I became a parent---twice over in my case.  Being a parent came to be part of my identity---part of who I am.  Being a parent is part of my true self.  That does not bother me.   

I actually like the fact that my identity---who I am---evolves and develops.  I am a work in progress.  My identity is dynamic, not static.  My true self is becoming deeper, more profound and more amazing.  Perhaps that is a good way to judge whether I am sufficiently engaged in the identity question.  Am I becoming deeper, more profound and more amazing?  If I am boring, I have some work to do! 

Identity is one of the two fundamental human questions.  Identity implicates the other human question.  Now that I know who I am, what am I to do?  More on that one…

Winning

I was caught by the title of an article in the recent Newsweek Magazine that came to our house.  The catchy title said, “Why Winners Win.”  I was hooked!  Then my eyes landed on the sub-title: “The new science of triumph in sports, business, and life.”  I played sports most of my life, so I know I am competitive.  I also know that I have become much less competitive, as I have grown older.  Perhaps that is compensation for the fact that it is more difficult to win when you get older.  It truly is the case that there usually is someone stronger, faster, and more able than you are.  I guess I am old enough to have come to terms with that.

 

But I am fascinated by the phenomenon of winning.  And I was doubly fascinated by the fact that this article again reverted to the world of neuroscience.  I seem to be frequently bumping into that multi-disciplinary arena of study.  But it is not surprising.  We human beings are complex creatures.  Almost anything we do, therefore, is a result of a complex set of events going on inside our minds and bodies.  Neuroscience is simply the scientific way of trying to understand and explain this complexity.

 

Of course, some people out there in our world seem to be able to win more regularly than others.  It is true in sports and in business.  It may well be true in life, but that one about life seems more unclear to me.  So I was intrigued how the article would describe things. 

 

Early on in the article the obvious candidate for the winning formula was introduced, namely, testosterone.  Testosterone and being macho usually go hand in hand!  I always figured that explained my plight.  I was always an above-average athlete, but never had that “extra” to be the champion.  I always assumed it was the testosterone thing…some, but not enough.  But I have now learned, thanks to the Columbia University researchers.

 

These researchers “found that testosterone is helpful only when regulated by small amounts of another hormone called cortisol.”  That was good news for me.  Maybe my testosterone level did not always balance the cortisol level.  Wow, this competing thing is complicated!  But then, the plot became even thicker.

 

The next thing I learned made me a little sad, but I fear it is true.  Some other researchers in Bonn, Germany discovered that “test subjects who receive a given reward for a task enjoy it significantly more if other subjects fail or do worse…”  I admit that I am not surprised.  I can recall many times in sports when I was on the winning side and I was glad the other guys lost!

 

So how does this relate to spirituality?  It relates to spirituality because spirituality, sports, business, and life all relate to being human.  If I am going to be fully human (in my case anyway), I have to find a way to account for all four arenas of life: spirituality, sports, business, and life.  I confess that I have tried to be a winner in all four.  I know some folks are not involved in all four.  But there are probably other arenas that can be added. 

 

As I ponder this, I am feeling my way to some tentative conclusions.  In the first place, I am willing to take it for a fact that humans may well be wired to try to win.  This may be behind something like “survival of the fittest.”  In the second place, I think the real issue may be how one defines “winning.”  I know what it is like to win the basketball game: one team scores more points than the other team.  But maybe there are other---possibly paradoxical---ways of defining “a win.”

 

Immediately, I think of love.  Let’s assume that I can be competitive in loving.  But the kind of loving I have in mind is what the New Testament calls agape, usually translated as “sacrificial love.”  This is the kind of love at which Jesus excelled.  In fact, many would say there was none better than Jesus.  He would have been the supreme “love winner.”  And it cost him his life!

 

There is some interesting logic at work here.  That agape love of Jesus winds up having an amazing, global, centuries-old effect.  What Super Bowl or World Series’ winner can make the same claim?  I think I am beginning to figure it out.

 

What kind of winner you want to be determines the nature of the competition and how you have to play.  If I want to beat you in golf, I have to play the course in fewer strokes than you do.  It’s simple math.  To make it even and fair, the handicapping system is introduced.

 

The spiritual game of love is a much different game.  Coming out on top is not my goal.  Serving you---making you better---is my goal.  Ego and self-interest have little role to play.  Love comes close to a win-win game.  If you win, I feel like I have won.  I think I get it…but I am still growing into it.  That is my spiritual journey…learning to play the game of love…agape love. 

Kindness and Compassion

I am not surprised to see a new study out which links spirituality and health.  For quite a while, people have thought there was a connection between spirituality and health.  In fact for quite a long time, I have assumed there are a variety of ways to talk about health.  Normally, I think people mean physical health.  That is a given.  If someone asks if you are healthy, they typically mean physical.  Or if I call in “sick,” the boss is going to assume I have a fever, a cold or some other physical malady.

           

But we all know there are ways we talk about mental health.  Everyone would assume health is not limited to one’s physical state of being.  I can be perfectly healthy and not feel “well.”  Ask anyone who has bouts of depression.  He or she may be ok physically, but not at all up to engaging life.  I can be physically in tip-top shape and not want to get out of the bed in the morning because I feel so blue.

           

Finally, I am also convinced there is such a thing as spiritual health.  Doubtlessly, this is the most contested of the three kinds of health---physical, mental and spiritual.  I know some folks would dismiss the whole spiritual realm as so much bunk.  But if I take it seriously, then I can be spiritually healthy or spiritually not well.

           

Furthermore, I am convinced there is interconnection between these three forms of health.  It is difficult to feel mentally well off if I am physically suffering.  And if I am experiencing spiritual health aches, then that probably affects my mental and physical well-being.  Fiddle with one form of health and I am sure you fiddle with the other two.  

           

Now I return to the study that precipitated this reflection.  I was captivated by the title of the little report on the study.  The title is: “The Biology of Kindness.”  The subtitle was just as compelling.  Speaking of kindness, the subtitle says; “How It Makes Us Happier and Healthier.”  “Sign me up,” I thought!  I want to be healthier and happier.  Who wouldn’t?  You would have to be sick not to want to be healthier and happier!

           

The biology part of the article focuses on the vagus nerve.  Unless you have been to medical school or studied nursing, chances are you never heard of the vagus nerve.  Even if you never heard of it, it is an important feature of your body.  It is a very long nerve.  It runs from the brain down to the stomach.  This nerve is connected with speech, breathing, and the digestive system.  For example, it is shown to be related to the heartbeat.  There may be some kind of connection between people who become adept at meditation and the way that affects the vagus nerve.  A number of studies indicate the relationship of this nerve and issues of health and wellness.

           

And so I come to the study on the biology of kindness.  One of the authors of that study, Barbara Fredrickson, Professor of Psychology at U. of North Carolina says, “We’ve had a lot of indirect clues that relationships are healing.  What’s exciting about this study is that it suggests that every (positive) interaction we have with people is a miniature health tune-up.”

           

This is good news.  All I need is a positive interaction with someone to ensure good things are happening to my vagus nerve and, in turn, causing healthy things to happen for me.  Of course, this is not going to replace drugs.  But it is an additional way to take care of yourself…and perhaps give someone else a gift, too.  Be nice, be healthy, enjoy life.  That is a very simple recipe.  But apparently, there is some biological truth to the advice.

           

There was one more sentence in the study that is a great take-away for me.  The author said, “Being a good friend, and being compassionate toward others, may be one of the best ways to improve your own health.”  I think this is true; I certainly hope it is true.  It is an easy thing to prescribe.  Just think about it: your doctor prescribes that you become a good friend.  Your doctor also tells you to be compassionate toward other people you meet each day.

           

That should not be that difficult.  And yet so many people cannot follow the prescription.  They prefer grumpiness to grins.  They opt for snarling to serendipity.  Perhaps the way to look at it is to see kindness and compassion as a prescription.  For three days or two weeks---whatever you think you can manage---you “take your medicine.”  Or in this case, it is better to say, “you give your medicine.”

           

Resolve to be kind and compassionate.  Resolve to do it, even if the other person does not ask for it or deserve it.  Giving it won’t kill you.  If the study is correct, it may prevent an early death.  And even if you don’t live longer, life will be better.  Who does not want to be healthy till you die!

           

And what if the whole group around you opts for this advice?  The community will begin a transformation process that might lead to new and better things.  Perhaps parties will break out.  Perhaps people will feel loved and cared for in new and profound ways.  That sounds a great deal like what the great spiritual teachers have been advising for centuries.  I am going to give it a whirl.

Fundamentals of Friendship

It all began with an evening dinner with a friend.  Dinner with a friend is always easy.  We don’t have to impress each other.  The conversation flows.  The interest is mutual and the verbal exchange is satisfying.  Reflecting on it gives me a chance to ponder the beginning and development of friendship.  Even though I teach a class on spiritual friendship, I don’t pause enough to value the gift that friendship is. 

As I reflected on it, I realized there are some fundamentals of friendship.  I know we could list even more than I will list here, but these five surely are fundamental to any significant friendship.  I would name the five fundamentals of friendship to be connection, affection, attention, care and good will.  Let’s look at each one of these. 

Surely connection is an essential ingredient of friendship.  In fact, we could begin a definition of friendship as the art of making a connection.  No pair of friends is friends from birth.  The formation of friendship begins with the art of making connection.  I am sure there are multiple drivers of the initial connection.  People might be smart, attractive, interesting and so many other things.  But there has to be something that provokes the connection.   

Connection is a more powerful word than encounter.  I encounter many people with whom I make no connection.  Connection is an encounter that “sticks.”  A connection between two or more friends is an implicit (and then, probably, explicit) commitment to hang in there together.  Connection develops psychologically and spiritually.  True and deep connections exist even when the friends are not physically present to each other.  In fact, friendships can persevere through many days or, even, months of absence from each other.  Even in absence, friendship is still “there.” 

I am not sure connection by itself is sufficient to make a friendship.  More is needed.  The second fundamental is affection.  I cannot imagine a friendship could develop without affection.  Affection is a tricky word in our American culture, because things become so easily sexualized.  Certainly sexuality includes affection, but it is just as certain that not all affection is sexual.  I understand this more deeply when I remember that in all the classical languages, the word for friendship is a “love” word.  In this sense why would affection not be present?

The third fundamental necessary for friendship is attention.  Friends pay attention to each other.  This happens in some ordinary, routine ways.  But without attention friendships would not be formed nor could they last.  Friends pay attention by listening to each other, by watching out for each other and many other ways.  The root meaning of the word attention comes from the Latin, tensio, which obviously gives us an English word, “tension.”  The prefix, “at” is a Latin preposition meaning “with” or “to.”  So attention is being “put in tension with.”  Think of a hug: that is being put in tension with.  Attention is a good thing! 

The fourth fundamental is care.  I cannot imagine friendships could survive without care.  “Take care” is not simply a phrase you utter when someone leaves your presence.  Friends literally “take care” of each other.  Just think of the myriad ways that friends care for each other.  It might have a physical component.  Often it is psychologically and, certainly, spiritual.  At dinner with my friend I noticed the care we had for each other.  It was not flashy; it was simple and profound at the same time. 

The final fundamental of friendship is good will.  I take the two words---good will---literally.  For my friend I have a “will” that is “good.”  I would never wish a friend bad stuff.  Whatever I say, whatever I do is intended for the good of the friend.  And the beauty of all this is the mutuality of friendship.  What I am intending for my friend is reciprocally intended for me.   

In this sense friendship is always a boomerang.  Like a boomerang, friendship is thrown out there and all the stuff comes back my way.  It seems miraculous.  If I feel a connection being made with a friend it is because I am being connected.  If I give affection to the friend, it boomerangs back to me and I am affected!  Attention in a friendship is almost mirror-like.  I pay attention and attention is paid back to me.  This is a sweet deal.  The care I extend to the friend often comes back to me in the form of how care-ful the friend is of me.  And the good will is reciprocated.

When you think about friendship this way, it is simply amazing.  In the moment friendship, feels so simple and so natural.  Within authentic friendship, there seems to be no stress and usually no mess.  And if there is a mess, friends clean it up fairly quickly because they are paying attention, caring and have good will.  And when the mess is cleaned up, there usually is a token of affection, which then deepens the connection. 

This actually sounds pretty God-like.  Indeed, I think it is.  It was a simple dinner.  But oh, the profundity of the friendship!