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Longing to Belong

I lived long enough and taught long enough, I recognize for myself, at least, there are some basic human truths.  I am not bold enough to claim I know these truths are truths for everyone, but I also know they are true for me.  And they are true for many of the people I spend time with---students, coaches and so forth.  What this means in some ways is life efficiency.  It seems funny to write that, because in many ways I am not very concerned about efficiency.  But by life efficiency I mean I don’t spend time anymore wondering if these things are true for me.   

     I can give you three examples of human truths for me.  These three come from the work of Gerald May, the late psychiatrist and long-time teacher at Shalem, the spirituality center in Washington, DC.  May says that humans aim for three things in life: identity, meaning and belonging.  I have thought about that quite a bit and I concur.  It is true for me personally and it seems true for many with whom I spend time.  There is not time to work with all three aspects, so let’s focus on belonging. 

    I think every human being wants to belong.  I call it longing to belong.  You actually can see it fairly early in human development.  Perhaps it begins in the womb.  Certainly, when the baby is born, the bonding process with mother begins immediately.  Psychologists tell us how important touch is.  The baby is held, cuddled, nursed, etc.  If mother brings the baby to church or somewhere, it is funny to watch people fall over each other just to hold the baby.  It is one more chance to belong. 

    I think about kids in school.  They make friends, play together, etc.  By the time the young folks hit middle school, they form packs, peer groups and the like.  This is the age where they can actually be cruel to other kids and other groups, but part of this comes from their sense of belonging to their own group.  I still see it at the college level and, of course, none of us as adults outgrow it.  I think we all long to belong until our dying day. 

    This does not discount our desire for some solitude and silence.  As an introvert, I know how valuable my time alone is for my mental health.  I cherish solitude, but I fear loneliness.  I know from countless studies how dangerous to my health loneliness can be.  The studies suggest I would better to smoke than be condemned to loneliness.  I don’t counsel having a friend and smoking.  But if you have to choose, choose to keep smoking and find a friend! 

    What is it about the human desire to belong?  In the first place, it is easy to make the point that humans are social animals.  The sociologists tell us that.  All of us are creatures of culture.  We are formed and shaped by others.  We learn the language of others.  Our mental processes are shaped by our environment.  Clearly, we learn to differentiate ourselves.  We soon learn we are not the same as our parents.  We can become quite independent.  But we will desire to belong---to someone and some place.  It actually connects with the other two aspects of the human aim.  To belong shapes our identity and provides meaning. 

    A second thing about belonging is the sense of transcendence it can give us.  To belong takes us outside ourselves.  We link with others.  We open ourselves to what they can provide.  As we noted, they help provide a sense of who I am and how I find meaning.  We want things from others---things like acceptance, understanding, love, and so forth.  We also have others to whom we can give things.  It is meaningful to be a giver.  It is satisfying.  As we get older, we know it is just as much fun to give as it is to get.  Sharing becomes the currency of belonging. 

    Our desire to belong is not without some risk.  We have to risk some vulnerability to belong.  To open ourselves to the belonging experience means a bit of risk.  Even to desire to belong sets us up for the possibility of rejection.  The desire to belong runs the risk of what I call the NO.  Deep down we all know that vulnerability invites the possibility of the NO and, hence, the likelihood of some pain.  

    Fortunately, the universe provides a dependable out---an exit from this risk and vulnerability.  That is God---the creative Love source of all that is.  God is the ultimate object of human desire.  Only God can satisfy our desire to belong.  And this comes risk-free and with assurance that we will not be rejected.  In the face of the threat of NO, God’s grace is always a YES.  Of course, it may not always be on our terms.   

    God’s presence is an ever-present grace: to our longing is a welcome to belong.  And that good news compounds because we not only get God, but all God’s people.  We are also invited into the ultimate group belonging.  We will always fit.  We will always be invited, involved and inspired.   

At this level, we always get what we want! 

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