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Believing What You Say

Sometimes in the life of a person on their spiritual journey is the chance actually to believe what you say.  I am currently in one of those places.  To be aware I am in one of the places where I will decide some course of action is both sobering and humorous.  My issue is certainly not life and death.  The good news is whatever I decide will be good.  It is such a luxury to have a choice between two good things.  But sometimes that kind of choice feels quite difficult.  I am sure I will chafe under the weight of deciding, but I want to remember ultimately, I am lucky to have choices that will turn out well. 

I have been on a faith journey for decades now.  Early on had I been asked about living this long and having this much time to grow in my faith, I would have guessed I might be further along.  I probably figured at that younger age, I would not have as many questions as I actually do.  Surely, I assumed by now I would have figured it all out.  Actually, I do not have it all figured out.  And I am not sure I ever will.  But I am ok with that. 

I can acknowledge that I believe quite a few things.  As Quakers would say, I even am clear about quite a few things.  To be clear means I feel good about what I believe and am comfortable knowing that I don’t know for sure.  I can say that I have faith in God.  That means two things for me.  I do believe there is some kind of God---Higher Power, Basic Energy, Creator, Mystery---I am good with all those descriptive names for the ultimately unfathomable entity I call God.   

Secondly, I believe in this God in the sense that I trust God.  When I think about faith, I realize it is synonymous with trust in my mind.  In fact, trust is the verb I use when I have to talk about faith as a process.  I am sure I have commented before that in English the word, faith, is a noun.  Typically, it is something we “have.”  But you cannot use the word as a verb.  I cannot say, “I faith you,” and have it make sense grammatically.  We switch to trust.  “I trust you.” 

In my mind the word, faith, always drags its twin sibling, doubt, into the conversation.  Faith is not absolute, sure-fire certainty.  In my mind faith always can be doubted.  I am confident in what I believe and trust, but I am not certain.  I have no direct scientific evidence of God.  I am old enough now to think this is hilarious, rather than depressing.  I am confident the process of trusting God is good for the soul.  I am content. 

If you are fully in with respect to your faith and spiritual pilgrimage, as I hope I am, then you also hope to be following God’s desire for your life.  Not only do I believe in God, but I believe God has desires for each of us.  Some of these desires are general---basically the same for each of us.  I am confident that God desires each of us to know love and to be loving agents in this sometimes-crummy world.  God wants that for you and for me.  On the other hand, I believe God has particular desires for each of us in our own times and places.  To know this particular desire means we have to take some time and make some effort to be open and ask God for some sense of that. 

This is where it can get sticky or maybe, tricky, is the right word.  Again, when I look back at my history of discerning God’s desire for me, I seldom had the absolute sense that I knew that desire.  Again, knowing God’s desire for myself usually came in a form that left me pretty confident and something I felt I could trust in moving forward.  But I never had a sense of being guaranteed that I knew.  It was always a step forward in faith and with trust. 

When I am teaching all this stuff, I sound more certain that I can really be.  I have taught classes on discipline and discernment (how one comes to know God’s will).  I can make it sound like we need to follow the script, check with earlier church authorities who have had their own experiences and we will know.  But I never know for sure.  Along the way, I encounter faith’s twin, namely, doubt.  I am ok with that.  I know faith is a journey of trust.  But I have also realized one more thing. 

Whenever I am in a place of discerning---looking for the next step, I know I am in a place where I get a chance to test whether I believe what I say.  By this I mean, do I live by what I say and teach?  Do I take the time to discern God’s desire for myself or do I at some points go with what I want to do and declare that it is God’s desire?  Do I go with my ego or wait for my amigo---my friend who is God---to show the way? 

Do I believe what I say?  I know the way of faith and trust is one that calls for vulnerability.  This is not always easy for me.  It is tempting to control things rather than step out into the vulnerable space.  But I know that I say you should.  Am I willing to believe what I say?  I hope so.  I want to do so.  At least I am aware and can continue to choose to act on the things I say. 

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