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Profundity of Gratitude

From as young as I can remember, I was taught to say thank you.  I don’t know that it was important to me, but clearly it was important to my parents that I say thank you.  Eventually I learned that it was important to me, too.  And then when I became a parent, I was just as serious about teaching my two girls to say thank you.  My experience is not much different from most other people I know.  And of course, we all know those people who never say thank you or, if they do, it is half-hearted or begrudging.  We come away with the feeling they never really mean it. 

I still think it is a good idea and I do it as a matter of habit.  But I also realize that for many of us, it is effectively a social norm.  It is part of the normal social interaction among people---friends and strangers alike.  And it is a good thing.  I am glad I do it and I intend to continue doing it.  But I also realize it is rather matter of fact.  It is a habit, albeit a good habit.  It is better than not doing it.  

When I use the word, gratitude, I am thinking about things at a different level and, arguably, at a more profound level.  I have given quite a bit of thought to gratitude.  I have written about it.  I know there is some thirty years of scientific research into the theme of gratitude.  I am trying some things at a very different level with students and some organizations I deal with.  For me I know there is a spiritual dimension to this. 

As a word, gratitude is rooted in the Latin and means “gift.”  To be given a gift elicits thank you.  In Spanish it is quite clear: Gracias.  A true gift comes without expectation and without merit.  That is why Christmas and birthdays are mixed blessings for me.  Of course, I am going to be receiving gifts.  In that sense they are expected; I know they are coming.  There is almost an obligatory aspect to being in the family.  You have to give gifts on someone’s birthday---even if you don’t feel like it. And I will say thank you, even if I might not fully mean it.   

Gift, as real gift, is different.  It is grace.  When we are graced, we know we didn’t do anything to deserve it.  In fact, we may have deserved something worse.  But we got grace.  I know sometimes we describe it as being lucky.  But grace and luck are not the same thing.  Lotteries deal with luck.  Someone is going to get lucky and have that number.  Grace is different.  It is personal and intentional.  In the case of grace, there is a giver.  Someone extends grace.  Another person or God were gracious givers.  And we are the recipient.  It feels personal. 

I can learn a great deal by learning how to be grateful, when I am graced---given a gift.  Being grateful is different than feeling lucky.  Being grateful means I accept the gift.  But I also am humbled by the gift.  I know I did not deserve it.  There is no merit.  Someone gave me grace and I humbly accept.  Indeed, it leads to thank you, but it leads to more depth than that.  I like to think that gratitude is a matter of the heart.  Luck is more a head thing.  I know I had the lucky number.  I had that lottery ticket that was chosen.  But being given a gift leads to gratitude, which is a heart thing.  It leads me to feel humbly graced. There is no pride; no sense of desert. 

Where I am going with all this is to learn to live life gratefully.  My goal is to learn to see and to experience life in such a way that I know life itself is a gift.  I did nothing to create my own being.  And right now at least, I can do nothing to prevent my life ending---in this form.  Life is lived between conception and death.  And my whole life was and is contingent on something or, better, someone else.  For me that is parents and God, for sure.  And secondarily, it is about many other folks, too---friends and probably many strangers. 

To live gratefully requires, first of all, a level of awareness that normally folks do not have.  I want to be aware of how many places and by how many folks I am graced.  Every day I wake up is a new increment of grace.  With some awareness I am quite sensitive to how much is given to me each day.  Many times it is small stuff.  Having caring friends is huge for me.  The smile offered to me is a gift.  Someone making me feel special is as good as any birthday gift.   

One of the things I am trying to learn and make a habit is expressing gratitude.  It can be done in a variety of ways.  In some of my classes I used a gratitude wall.  To the wall, students and I affix little notes of gratitude.  Some like to keep a gratitude journal.  This is a good way to cultivate awareness, so that we live through a day attentive to the people and places where we are graced.  Researchers have found that being grateful has many different consequences.  I tend to be more satisfied and, even, happier.  It makes me less of a jerk.  And so the list goes on. 

The profundity of gratitude becomes clear to me when I think about God.  It is no secret that one of the key features of God is grace.  God is a God of grace.  God’s dealings with us as wayward sons and daughters is an ongoing saga of grace.  I recall Gerald May’s words that grace is really the flowering of love.  It builds up, rather than tearing down.  It creates good teams and communities.  It has to be a major characteristic of life in the kingdom. 

So I can be thankful and that is good.  But I can be grateful and that goes to a whole new level of profundity.    

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