Loneliness

Loneliness is probably an issue more now than it has been for a long time.  The times in which we live---pandemic, unemployment and so much else---makes it easier to feel isolated.  And with that, perhaps we feel like no one cares about us anymore.  We all know loneliness is not as easy to fix as a headache.  For that we can take an aspirin and predictably we feel better.  Aspirins do nothing for loneliness.

I began thinking about all this when I read a recent article in one of my alum magazines.  Jacob Sweet, the author of “The Loneliness Pandemic: The psychology and social costs of isolation in everyday life,” made some very good points, which I would like to share.  And I go beyond Sweet by suggesting there is a spiritual dimension to loneliness and, perhaps, some aspects of spirituality in solving our feelings of loneliness.

An early point Sweet makes is to note, “Loneliness is a subjective experience---part of what makes it so hard to identify.”  (31)  This was a good insight, because it means I cannot judge whether someone else has sufficient reasons to be lonely.  We probably know someone who is quite visible and active socially.  They seem to have friends and people around them all the time.  We are floored when they tell us they feel lonely.  Some of us might actually feel a bit peeved, thinking to ourselves they have no basis to feel lonely.  I also know I have no business suggesting to someone else what or how they should feel.  

I admit that I was surprised by the statistics the author marshalled.  The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation reports “22 percent of adults…say they often or always feel lonely or socially isolated.” (32)  A 2019 report by Cigna (before the pandemic) “found that 61 percent of Americans report feeling lonely.”  I am sure the figures are even higher now.  The former U.S. Surgeon General, Vivek Murthy, said loneliness is a “public health epidemic.”  That is frightening.  

In research I had earlier done on a book I helped write, I already knew some of the health risks of loneliness.  A university psychologist tells us “the heightened risk of mortality from loneliness equals that of smoking 15 cigarettes a day or being an alcoholic, and exceeds the risks associated with obesity.”  Seeing these figures makes me suspects most of us underestimate how dangerous feeling lonely really is.  There should be a warning that comes with that!

I was intrigued by learning there are three different kinds of loneliness identified by the author.  The first kind is the most obvious to most people.  Jeremy Nobel, professor at Harvard’s School of Public Health tells us this kind is called “psychological or interpersonal loneliness.” (33)  He characterizes this with a couple questions, in which the person asks, “Do I have a friend?” or “Do I have someone I can tell my troubles to?”  Sadly, the answer too often is no---no I don’t.  

The second type of loneliness Nobel labels “existential.”  This is a fancy philosophical word that means having to do with existence.  In this case I may actually have some friends, but my loneliness goes deeper.  Again, Nobel provides a couple questions that help us get at this one.  “Do I fit into the universe?  Does my life have any meaning, purpose, weight, valence, mission?”  This is the areas I deal with in my own teaching of spirituality.  I know it is a big arena for college-age students.  Surprisingly, this age group is the loneliest group in our country.

The third way Nobel describes loneliness is what he calls “societal.”  This one was one I had not thought about.  Again, his questions tell us about it.  “If I enter a room, is my arrival both anticipated and welcomed?  I am sure many folks live in fear of the answer to this question.  Perhaps folks hold back because they are afraid the answer to these questions is no---no one wanted me.

I am confident there is not a simple answer to loneliness.  Simply saying that God will be your friend does not help much in the moment---although I consider that a good answer.  Let me suggest a couple approaches, which I can elaborate in another inspirational piece.  The first approach assumes that loneliness is, first, more a feeling than a thought.  I don’t know anyone who says, “I think lonely.”  We all claim to “feel” lonely.  That is why intellectual solutions are typically not solutions.  Even God is not an answer, if God is merely a concept or something you believe in.

The second approach follows on this.  Whatever the solution to our loneliness, it will be a solution that makes us feel like someone cares.  It can be a friend or God---or both.  But I need to feel it.  To feel cared for means that at some level, I matter.  And that is the real solution to loneliness---to sense that we matter.  This is where things like meaning and purpose become so important.

I want to follow up on the ideas of meaning and purpose.  I sense they are key.