Learning to be Responsive

A recent discussion in class remind me of a distinction I learned a long time ago.  I learned there is a distinction between being responsive and being reactive.  This is a fairly simple distinction, but it is a huge learning to implement.  And I do believe it was a spiritual growth issue for me.  Perhaps it is not spiritual for everyone else, but it was for me.  Being part of that class discussion reminded me that I have not fully incorporated the learning in my life.  At times I still find myself reacting inappropriately. 

The class context for the discussion had to do with emotions.  Many folks do emotions really well.  Some of us don’t do emotions well at all.  And of course, there is the big group of people in the middle.  Sometimes we mess up our emotional life and sometimes we do fairly well.  Probably I am in the big middle group.  But I am old enough to have joined the good people by now.  But I am a work in progress.  

It is easy to understand the folks who react to things.  The easiest part is to watch a young child learn by doing.  For example, we can tell the kid not to touch something hot.  But inevitably he or she wants to reach out and touch the very thing about which we warned.  It is almost like an irresistible lure.  But immediately, the touch leads to a burn.  Instinctively, the kid’s hand jerks back, usually with a shriek and some tears.  The little tyke simply reacted to the hot item.    

That sums up nicely the nature of reaction.  It is something like a stimulus-response.  There is no thinking required.  At the basic level, the body knows what to do.  It requires no cognitive processing.  The stimulus is hot.  The reactive jerk of the hand is the saving action from further burning.  It is like a survival thing.  In this case being reactive is a good thing---indeed, a healthy thing.  

But if we drag this into our typical emotional world, we need to be much more careful.  To be emotional reactive can lead to difficulty and, perhaps, even danger.  Again, we learn a great deal by watching little kids.  They tend to be emotionally reactive.  Put a few kids in the sandbox to play and soon one steals a toy that he or she wants.  Inevitably that leads to tears.  Or it might lead to one of the victims slugging the thief!  In turn this can lead to a physical squabble that creates a cascade of crying.  

Doubtlessly, this leads to lessons from parents, teachers and others.  We try to reason with the thief that simply taking what you want (a reaction) is not always appropriate.  If the other kid has a toy in her hand, it is not good to yank it away and start playing with the toy.  Obviously, reason doesn’t always work.  But that’s the goal.  We want to help the thief learn to do something differently---wait, share or defer to the kid with the toy.  These are not easy lessons.  

It would be cute if it were only a childhood development thing.  But that kind of emotional reactive behavior follows us into adulthood.  And here it is not very cute.  Again, it can be disruptive or even dangerous.  Let’s look at a couple of examples.  At a basic level, I see myself as emotionally reactive when I hear someone make some comment about me that I don’t like.  I may lash out with a cutting remark.  I can get angry and strike out at the person.  Even though I might not hit, I “hit” by putting down the person.  Immediately, I will try to win---or, at least, get even.    

If I am being reactive, I short-circuit the cognitive process.  Emotionally, I am like the kid touching the hot object.  But it might get even more serious.  Sometimes, our reaction leads to some damage---sometimes even violence.  This is how I explain road rage.  In my mind I am confident I would never do this; in reality I am sad to say my car can become a weapon!  

The opposite of reactive behavior is learning to be responsive.  In this emotional style, I learn to process my emotions and my responses.  To make it spiritual is to let my spirituality help me decide what is appropriate.  This leads to sayings from Jesus, like turning the other cheek.  That is a response.  Walking the second mile is responsive.  The Golden Rule is a good guide to responsive behavior.  Of course, that does not come naturally or easily to most of us.  It has to be learned and we have to commit to this kind of way of living.    

Learning to be responsive means giving up the right to be right all the time.  To be responsive means to get beyond my ego and take the other into account.  For me it means a commitment to non-violence as a way of life.  This is true for me as a person and, I hope, can also come to be true for us as a nation.  I cannot have a bully mentality and be spiritually responsive.   

Some years ago, many of my friends wore a bracelet that caused them to ask, “what would Jesus do?”  I never had one of those, but I resonate with the sentiment.  I think Jesus always strived to be responsive.  He is a model for me.  I am still learning to be responsive.