I have some new thoughts on gentleness. I have written in the past some on gentleness. But as with all good subjects, there is always room for more information and new thinking. Much of this continues to happen to me because I read things and because I am in conversations with people who provoke me to think further about some things. This happened just recently in a group with whom I gather on a regular basis.
Our group read some excerpts from an article by Marilyn Chandler McEntyre in the journal called Weavings. That journal offers what I would call “practical spirituality.” Ideas are profound, but down to earth. McEntyre set the stage when she says for her “real gentleness comes from a place of spiritual abundance.” She rightly points out that the etymology of our English word is the Latin, gens, which points to generosity and gentility. As with much good writing, McEntyre tells a story.
She sets us up with some preliminary words. She says that “We can only afford to be gentle when we are secure enough to lay aside our instincts for self-protection, defensiveness, or aggression—when we know that we have what we need.” To connect gentleness with the notion of security is significant. I am not sure I had ever thought about it that way. New ideas come with an offering from others. It does seem true that I am not likely to be gentle if I am scared and feeling threatened.
When we are not secure, she observes we are concerned for self-protection or defending ourselves. When we feel threated, we often get angry or want to run away---classic fight or flight. When I am scared, I become defensive. Being vulnerable is the last thing I want. Being scared often comes from a sense of being vulnerable---I could get hurt here! Certainly, when I have felt aggressive, I am not thinking about being gentle. To the contrary, I want to pop you on the nose!
Now comes the story from McEntyre. She describes one of her mentors. Mentors usually are older, more experienced people who can tell us about life, but leave us with a choice. They are not forceful, but suggestive. They are supportive and often in a way that is wiser than we are. Mentors do not threaten, but open us up to more life---more possibility. In McEntyre’s case, her mentor was a much older woman in her eighties.
McEntyre describes her mentor as “rich in laughter and seasoned by a life full of incident and insight.” Close your eyes and you can almost picture this woman. McEntyre says there was one line the mentor offered when McEntyre found herself “anxious, hurt or angry.” She now has my attention. I have been all three of these, too. What is the mentor going to say?
She simply said, “Honey, you can afford to let that go.” One of the folks in my group talked about how important that verb, “afford,” is in this advice. When we are scared, angry or hurt, we usually don’t think we can afford to do it. But we can. Let’s listen to McEntyre process the advice from her mentor.
“You can afford to forgive. You can afford to wait awhile. You can afford to be gentle.”
I find it interesting that McEntyre goes to forgiveness. That would be another essay, which we will not do here. But it does make sense that if I am holding a grudge or feeling wronged, I am not likely to become gentle. Forgiveness opens me up, relaxes me and frees me to move on. To forgive makes it possible to be for the other and, I believe, this is what gentleness is---it is for the other.
As a Quaker, I love this counsel to wait. I don’t think gentleness is associated with being impulsive or jumping the gun. Why does the mentor tell McEntyre this stuff? We soon learn. The mentor assured McEntyre that “no matter how bereft I might feel, I had access to love so steady and sufficient, and to a perspective on life so much bigger than the frustrations of the moment, that I really could afford to forgo the emotional cravings awakened by the most recent conflict. Being so blessed, I could afford to be gentle.” I realized in this moment that the mentor lodges gentleness in love.
Love is the key! Love is the key to gentleness. It makes perfect sense. Learn to love and you likely will learn gentleness. Love makes forgiveness possible. As I think about the people in my life who are gentle, I do think they operate out of love. And when I have managed to be gentle, I always was caring. And I see care as a form of love.
To move to the general level of spirituality, I think one aspect of becoming spiritual is learning to love and allowing oneself to be loved. In this process we undoubtedly also will be undergoing a gentleness program. Maybe that is a good test of whether we actually are learning about love. Are we becoming more gentle?
More thoughts on gentleness.
Our group read some excerpts from an article by Marilyn Chandler McEntyre in the journal called Weavings. That journal offers what I would call “practical spirituality.” Ideas are profound, but down to earth. McEntyre set the stage when she says for her “real gentleness comes from a place of spiritual abundance.” She rightly points out that the etymology of our English word is the Latin, gens, which points to generosity and gentility. As with much good writing, McEntyre tells a story.
She sets us up with some preliminary words. She says that “We can only afford to be gentle when we are secure enough to lay aside our instincts for self-protection, defensiveness, or aggression—when we know that we have what we need.” To connect gentleness with the notion of security is significant. I am not sure I had ever thought about it that way. New ideas come with an offering from others. It does seem true that I am not likely to be gentle if I am scared and feeling threatened.
When we are not secure, she observes we are concerned for self-protection or defending ourselves. When we feel threated, we often get angry or want to run away---classic fight or flight. When I am scared, I become defensive. Being vulnerable is the last thing I want. Being scared often comes from a sense of being vulnerable---I could get hurt here! Certainly, when I have felt aggressive, I am not thinking about being gentle. To the contrary, I want to pop you on the nose!
Now comes the story from McEntyre. She describes one of her mentors. Mentors usually are older, more experienced people who can tell us about life, but leave us with a choice. They are not forceful, but suggestive. They are supportive and often in a way that is wiser than we are. Mentors do not threaten, but open us up to more life---more possibility. In McEntyre’s case, her mentor was a much older woman in her eighties.
McEntyre describes her mentor as “rich in laughter and seasoned by a life full of incident and insight.” Close your eyes and you can almost picture this woman. McEntyre says there was one line the mentor offered when McEntyre found herself “anxious, hurt or angry.” She now has my attention. I have been all three of these, too. What is the mentor going to say?
She simply said, “Honey, you can afford to let that go.” One of the folks in my group talked about how important that verb, “afford,” is in this advice. When we are scared, angry or hurt, we usually don’t think we can afford to do it. But we can. Let’s listen to McEntyre process the advice from her mentor.
“You can afford to forgive. You can afford to wait awhile. You can afford to be gentle.”
I find it interesting that McEntyre goes to forgiveness. That would be another essay, which we will not do here. But it does make sense that if I am holding a grudge or feeling wronged, I am not likely to become gentle. Forgiveness opens me up, relaxes me and frees me to move on. To forgive makes it possible to be for the other and, I believe, this is what gentleness is---it is for the other.
As a Quaker, I love this counsel to wait. I don’t think gentleness is associated with being impulsive or jumping the gun. Why does the mentor tell McEntyre this stuff? We soon learn. The mentor assured McEntyre that “no matter how bereft I might feel, I had access to love so steady and sufficient, and to a perspective on life so much bigger than the frustrations of the moment, that I really could afford to forgo the emotional cravings awakened by the most recent conflict. Being so blessed, I could afford to be gentle.” I realized in this moment that the mentor lodges gentleness in love.
Love is the key! Love is the key to gentleness. It makes perfect sense. Learn to love and you likely will learn gentleness. Love makes forgiveness possible. As I think about the people in my life who are gentle, I do think they operate out of love. And when I have managed to be gentle, I always was caring. And I see care as a form of love.
To move to the general level of spirituality, I think one aspect of becoming spiritual is learning to love and allowing oneself to be loved. In this process we undoubtedly also will be undergoing a gentleness program. Maybe that is a good test of whether we actually are learning about love. Are we becoming more gentle?
More thoughts on gentleness.
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