Skip to main content

Love is the Better Option

Periodically, I have the chance to reread sections of Kathleen Norris’ book, The Cloister Walk.  The book first appeared in 1996.  I had read some of Norris’ work and was eager to read this book when it was published.  I knew it was based on her time spent at St. John’s Benedictine Abbey in Minnesota.  As one who also is a Benedictine oblate, I was excited to see what her reflected experience would be.  I was not disappointed the first time I read it and I delight every time I pick the book up to read parts of it again.
           
Recently, I had to read a chapter she entitles, “Learning to love: Benedictine Women on Celibacy and Relationship.”  I suspect many readers would never bother with this chapter because of the title.  I think their mistake would be focusing on the subtitle, Benedictine women, and quickly assume there would be nothing there for them.  Instead I was intrigued with the idea of “learning to love.”  Maybe it is because I am a perennial student, but I am always pulled into something to learn.  And to learn love seemed particularly attractive.
           
Part of the way into the chapter, Norris quotes the philosopher, Ernest Becker.  His words were enlightening.  “There are two basic ways to experience a radical change: to undergo a nervous breakdown, and to fall in love.  And love is preferable.  Love, if we can move beyond projecting onto another person and see them as they really are, also makes us more aware of who we are.”  I fully agree.  I would rather fall in love than experience a nervous breakdown!
           
Having thought some about Becker’s words, allow me to unpack the quotation to share my learning.  The first key idea is to recognize what so many people do when they fall in love.  They project things on to the person with whom they are falling in love.  In a way they “create” their lover.  Of course, the other person is there in an objective way, but the person we see is not the actual person.  And naturally, we are not aware of this creative process.
           
In the early blush of love this is not a problem.  Especially in romantic love, the early phase of love---often the infatuation phase---is so exciting there are basically no problems.  For a little bit heaven has descended on to earth and envelopes both of us!  Each person is thrilled and filled.  In heaven there is not time and, so, this feels like it can last forever.  But of course, it doesn’t.
           
The problem has been there all along; it just takes time to manifest.  Ultimately, the other person will turn out to be who they really are.  And I will do the same thing.  I will turn out to be the real me and not be the person the one who loves me thought I was.  Reality sometimes is disappointing.  This would be both a little funny and unfortunate if it were only limited to romantic love.
           
However, I think this sometimes is what happens with people’s experience of God.  Early in a spiritual relationship, we create the image of who God is.  Perhaps we even fall in love with the image of who God is.  This God is usually very nice---super loving, especially to me.  God’s Providence has good things in store for me and every day is a bit like my birthday.  Life is a gift and is full of gifts.  It’s a blessing, as the saying goes.
           
In some ways this is true.  But it is not true they way I am tempted to frame it.  God is Love and life is a gift.  And surely, life is full of gifts.  But they might not be what I expect or wanted.  God always turns out to be who God is---not the image of whom I want God to be.  In fact, I wonder if most of us would not really prefer Santa Claus to God!
           
Becker has the right perspective.  They key is to see the other person---my lover or God---as they really are.  If we can do this, we are living in the land of reality and not fantasyland.  And when we can do this, not only do we see the other for the person they are, but also we become aware of whom we really are.  And when we are dealing with reality, spiritual growth and development become possible.
           
Reality is where radical change can happen.  In fact, it is the only place where change can happen.  And that is a nice way to understand why learning to love is a good option.  It is the way to be aware of ourselves and spiritually to be aware of the God who is Love.  And if we can develop a relationship with this God, we engage the process of becoming a remarkable person.
           
In the hands of this loving God we can realize that life is a gift.  I realize my life is a gift and every day I will be called to give my gift to the world in ordinary and, perhaps, extraordinary ways.  I can positively affect my little world and in my tiny way bring a bit of heaven to earth.  Love is the better option.               

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I-Thou Relationships

Those of us who have read theology or, perhaps, those who are people of faith and are old enough might well recognize this title as a reminder of the late Jewish philosopher and theologian, Martin Buber.   I remember reading Buber’s book, I and Thou , when I was in college in the 1960s.   It was already a famous book by then.   I am not sure I fully understood it, but that would not be the last time I read it.   It has been a while since I looked at the book.             Buber came up in a conversation with a friend who asked if I had seen the recent article by David Brooks?   I had not seen it, but when I was told about it, I knew I would quickly locate and read that piece.   I very much like what Brooks decides to write about and what he contributes to societal conversation.   I wish more people read him and took him seriously.           ...
13 comments
Read more

Spiritual Commitment

I was reading along in a very nice little book and hit these lines about commitment.   The author, Mitch Albom, uses the voice of one of the main characters of his nonfiction book about faith to reflect on commitment.   The voice belongs to Albom’s old rabbi of the Jewish synagogue where he went until his college days.   The old rabbi, Albert Lewis, says “the word ‘commitment’ has lost its meaning.”    The rabbi continues in a way that surely would have many people saying, “Amen!”   About commitment he says, “I’m old enough when it used to be a positive.   A committed person was someone to be admired.   He was loyal and steady.   Now a commitment is something you avoid.   You don’t want to tie yourself down.”   I also think I am old enough to know that commitment was usually a positive word.   I can think of a range of situations in which commitment would have been seen to be positive.   For example, growing up was f...
20 comments
Read more

Inward Journey and Outward Pilgrimage

There are so many different ways to think about the spiritual life.   And of course, in our country there are so many different variations of religious experiences.   There are liberals and conservatives.   There are fundamentalists and Pentecostals.   Besides the dizzying variety of Christian traditions, there are many different non-Christian traditions.   There are the major traditions, such as Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, and so on.   There are the slightly more obscure traditions, such as Sikhism, Jainism, etc.   And then there are more fringe groups and, even, pseudo-religions.   There are defining doctrines and religious practices.   Some of these are specific to a particular tradition or a few traditions, such as the koan , which is used in Zen Buddhism for example.   Other defining doctrines or practices are common across the religious board.   Something like meditation would be a good example.   Christians meditate;...
10 comments
Read more