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Remain in the Provisional

It is touching to be given gifts.  There are a couple kinds of gifts.  The first kind of gift is the gift one expects.  When I say this, I think of special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas.  Giving gifts is part of the norm on these occasions.  While it is not right to say that we expect gifts, it is normal to assume we are going to get gifts.  Of course, we probably don’t know what the gift will be, but we know most likely we will be getting gifts.  So it is not a surprise to be handed a gift.
           
The other kind of gift is the serendipitous gift.  That is the gift we are given when we did not expect it.  In fact, with these serendipitous gifts, we usually do not even see it coming.  We may well be caught off guard. We don’t know what to say.  We did not even think about getting a gift.  Often it feels quite humbling to be given a gift.
           
I received such a gift a few months ago.  I had been invited to speak to a gathering that was interested in Thomas Merton, the 20th century monk, whom I like and have studied quite a bit.  The gathering was at the motherhouse of a religious order of women.  I know the nun who invited me.  I know she shares a deep interest in Merton, too.  I like her and was happy to do the evening.
           
When it was over, she handed me a couple books by Merton.  She asked if I had these two volumes and I was glad to say that I did not.  So I put them on my desk and vowed to read them when I had time.  Recently I began reading one of the volumes.  The volume I picked up is entitled, The Rule of St. Benedict.  I know about the Rule.  It is the 6th century document penned by St. Benedict to guide the formation and life of his community of monks.  That Rule is still used in monasteries around the world today.
           
I know that Merton taught the novices in his monastery.  The novices are the young monks who are early in their monastic formation.  It is that probationary period in which the monks are deciding whether they are going to stay in the monastery and take their final vows.  This volume is basically Merton’s notes and commentary on the Rule of St. Benedict.  In effect, it is like having his lecture notes.  As I began to read, it was fascinating.
           
At one point Merton is talking about doing what God wants from us---God’s will.  Of course, that is exactly what a monk would want to do, namely, God’s will.  But that is not just a monastic concern.  I, too, would want to do the same thing.  If God’s will is known and clear, then it is no problem.  We either do it (obedience) or we don’t do it (disobedience).  But what if we don’t know what God wants from us---or if we are unsure?  What then?
           
Merton provides me with real insight.  He suggests if we do not know what God wants in a particular situation, then “humility entails a willingness to remain in ‘the provisional,’ without attempting to manipulate uncertainties to become certainties.”  That hit me like a bomb.  So many times I have been uncertain what God might want from me in a given situation.  I learned a long time ago that you cannot obey what you don’t know.  Not-knowing is not bad; it simply is not clear.  So what?
           
Merton is so helpful with the “so what.”  Merton says to remain in the provisional.  I like that term, provisional.  If you look at a dictionary to get a handle on the word, provisional, you would discover that it means something exists in the present moment, but is likely to change.  So if we are in the provisional moment in which we do not know what God desires for us, then we should remain in the provisional.  It will likely change.
           
The provisional is not bad.  It is momentary.  I can see in the word, provisional, the idea of “provide.”  Maybe the provisional time and place is precisely the time and place God wants us in order to provide us with a more clear sense of what God wants.  It seems to me that we need to be patient in this provisional place.  I can hear Merton say, “don’t get antsy.”  Be patient.  Be open.  Be ready, but don’t be in a rush.
           
I appreciate the wisdom on this counsel.  If we really want to do what God desires, then we wait until we know what it is that God desires.  Waiting does not mean doing nothing.  Waiting is really a time of preparation, of anticipation, and of getting ready.  Waiting is not passivity.  It is a provisional time.  We are to use this time well.
           
As I think about it, provisional time makes a lot of sense.  If I am honest, much of what I do in life is my agenda.  To say that I was to do what God desires of me is to say that I want to do God’s agenda.  To make the switch from my agenda to God’s agenda probably does require some transitional time.  This is how I understand provisional.  To remain in the provisional is the first step in living outside of my own agenda.  It is preparation to move into doing God’s agenda. 
           
I am thankful for this fresh look at an old issue: discernment and obedience.
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