Even though I
grew up in the Quaker tradition, I don’t think I was a very good Quaker. But I was also not a bad Quaker. In retrospect I probably would say in most
ways I simply was not a Quaker. I was a
normal, middle class farm kid whose parents went to church like most of the
families I knew. “Going to church” in my
case, meant going to Quaker meeting, as we called it. If that is what you do every Sunday, it is
easy to assume that is normal!
If I had gone
to a Methodist church or a Catholic church, I would have claimed that as my
identity: I would have been Methodist or Catholic. In all likelihood I would not have been any
better at being Methodist or Catholic than I was at being Quaker. Going to church was what people did. But that did not make it important or, even,
relevant in my life. After all, I was
clear that basketball and girls were more important and, certainly, more
relevant!
Things began
to change for me late in high school.
There was nothing dramatic---certainly no crisis. But that is the time in my life when I began
seriously to think about what I would do in life. There were many people in my family and
circle of friends who had different ideas for my life. And in some ways I probably listened too
closely and tried too hard to live into their dreams for me. That usually does not work!
I dutifully
went off to college and began to work on the dreams others had for me. But my heart was not in it. Paradoxically even if I succeeded in managing
their dream in my life, I would be a failure.
I would not be me! This did not
come as a revelation. It crept into my
consciousness and awareness. Little by
little I started to realize I was aiming to live someone else’s life.
And that led
me to a precipice. I did not know who I
was. In fact, I had no clue! Of course, I had a bunch of answers and
descriptors that I used to tell people who I was. But they were like clothes someone else had
given me. Down deep, I did not know who
I was and I did not know what I wanted to do.
Being in college was not answering that at all. So I quit!
I quit
college and began learning. Apparently,
I don’t get big bolts of revelation or enlightenment. My discoveries and learnings seem to come at
daylight rather than in the light of day.
I began to notice there was an inner emptiness that lurked below all the
activities, beyond all family and friends, and above any dream I might conjure
for myself.
I started to
suspect that we are not “man-made” as the popular myth would have it. We probably are not “woman-made” either, if
we use inclusive language. Suspicions
like this one launched my genuine spiritual search. I realized that a spiritual search is not the
same thing as going to church. Of
course, going to church might aid the spiritual search, but the two are not the
same. My spiritual search was my quest
for who I would be and what I might do.
In other words the spiritual search was my quest for identity and
purpose. I have been on this quest ever
since.
To my
surprise and sadness, I also realized how ignorant I was. Going to church did not mean I had learned a
thing. Oh, I suppose I had learned a few
things. I knew about Noah and the
ark. I knew a few other things from the
Bible, but they were random things that served no real purpose. They were of
no help on this spiritual search. To my
surprise, I realized I knew about God…but I did not know God!
But this part was crucial. Maybe I was not “man-made.” If not that, perhaps I was “God-made.”
That made more sense. At that
point something from some Sunday School class crept back into my mind. Those original creation stories in Genesis
talked about humanity being created in the image of God. That’s it, I realized. I am a person created in the image of God.
Suddenly, I knew
I had hit upon the identity question. I
know who I am: I am a creature of God. I
image the divinity…and so do you! I am a
treasure in an earthen vessel. Maybe
that is my real purpose in life: to be that treasure. My goal is to be worth something in that
sense. Of course, that is not a specific
assignment. But whatever specific
assignment I take on---or is given to me---has to be “treasure-living” as the
image of God.
I did not
realize all this in a moment or, even, a short period of time. It began at the dawn of my spiritual search
and has continued throughout the daytime of my life. I fully expect it to last until the dusk of
my life and on into the night of my death.
It has been a wonderful spiritual search…and I am still on the way.
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