Live Inside the Question Mark

 

            I have many interests, but one enduring interest focuses on the life and spirituality of Thomas Merton.  Merton was the spiritual searcher who finally and, oddly, responded to a call not only to become religious, but do it as a Catholic and as a monk in the middle of nowhere in Kentucky.  For a world traveler and European at heart, to be open to God calling him to become a Trappist monk and enter the communal life at the Abbey of Gethsemani outside Bardstown, Kentucky is enough to make me think there is some kind of God!

            One of the benefits of my interest in Merton has been the many friendships which have come with other folks who also are interested in Merton.  Some are academics, but many others are scattered among more typical professions in life.  Some are monks and nuns, but most are not living their religious call the same way Merton did.  It seems all of us find that Merton still helps us understand what it means to live contemplatively in a world and a culture that is designed for anything but contemplative living. 

            One of the folks I have come to appreciate is Kathleen Tarr.  Kathleen grew up in Pittsburgh, but has lived for a long time in Alaska.  I have never been to Alaska.  She grew up in a non-religious way with a somewhat tough background.  Intriguingly, she “found” Merton some ten years ago and he has also helped her think about spirituality and how it might be part of her own life.  She is a writer and poet, so I am sure she felt connected to him in that way.  She finally came to enough understanding to write her own book.  The book is in many ways recounts her own spiritual journey using Merton and, especially, Merton’s visit to Alaska in 1968 as a backdrop. 

            Her book, We Are All Poets Here, tells many stories that I could share.  But I want to share one now that I found charming and illuminating.  This story revolves around Tarr’s visit to a retreat on contemplative spirituality led by Jonathan Montaldo, an expert on Merton, but not an academic.  I know Montaldo, but not well.  I appreciate what he brings and how he is able to use his own knowledge of Merton and his own hard-won wisdom to help people with their own spiritual journeys.  This is what he did for Kathleen. 

            Meeting at a smallish retreat house about a mile from Gethsemani, we join Kathleen’s account of the time there.  She opens her reflections with a conversation with the deceased Merton.  “Well, Tom.  I made it, I joked to myself as I stood eyeing his portrait.  Believe it or not, I’m here from Alaska.  Can we talk?”  I have been in that little retreat house many times and have also looked at the picture.  Tarr then longlingly says, “I wish Merton were alive.  We could talk up a flirtatious storm together.  Or begin by sharing the frustrations and self-doubts of the writer’s life.” Kathleen describes the weekend and how challenged and reassured she was by not only Merton’s words, but the worlds of Montaldo and the others.  But like all of us, she also realized finally we figure out and do our spiritual journeys in our own unique way.  Merton can be very helpful, but he cannot live our lives for us.  We do that!

            At the end of that retreat and that little section still early in her book, Tarr reflects on some final words that Jonathan Montaldo had shared with her.  These are words which were give as if he were her spiritual director.  They were indirectly from Merton, too.  The first thing Kathleen received were these words.  “You have to be comfortable to live inside the question mark…”  I very much appreciate this bit of spiritual advice from Montaldo.  He is wise enough to know that early in our spiritual journey, there typically are many more questions than answers. 

            Jonathan wanted to reassure her the questions were not only ok, but they are normally a great starting point.  I would argue, in fact, we need experience more than answers---especially at the beginning.  We need to know God---not simply know about God.  There is a difference.  I had never heard it put the way apparently Montaldo did as he and Kathleen sat at the dining room table after everyone else left.  I have sat at the same dining table, but never was given such good advice.  Be comfortable inside the question mark.

            I appreciate how Kathleen received that advice and put it in her own terms.  She says, “Yes, that’s exactly where I exist, in peaceful uncertainty…”. She reflects further, “I wasn’t going to be marching down the road to a religious conversion any time soon.”  This is even more poignant for me, because I know just down the road was the monastery.  In effect, Kathleen is smart enough to know her journey is not going to be exactly like Merton’s or anyone else’s journey.  That is always true.

            I love how that chapter in her book ends.  She confesses that she is certain she is not marching down the road, “But inside, I was starting see some light.”  I really like this because it tells me we begin to see spiritual light even inside the question mark.  To see the light is not always an answer, but it is an awareness, an opening or revelation of a possibility.  To see the light is a statement of hope. 

            I realize this is so helpful to me still after all my years.  I have been on a journey for decades now, but quite often find myself living inside the question mark.  I know about peaceful uncertainty.  But with Kathleen and maybe even Merton, I see some light and confidently live on.