A Sense of Belonging

There are few things as important to being human than a sense of belonging.  I am sure psychologists have called it by various names and with various concepts, but I like the idea of belonging.  The opposite is just as clear: not belonging.  Not to belong means you have no part in the group, family or unit.  To belong means you are included.  You are part of the gang.  That truly is good news.  It may not be inherently a spiritual word, but at its core, it really is spiritual.  

Belonging happens very early in life.  And its opposite, sadly, can happen just as early.  Erik Erikson, the famous psychoanalyst, said the first step in becoming human was learning to trust or mistrust.  Infants begin negotiating this developmental step long before they have language, etc.  Clearly, the mother is key to this process.  But father and other close family members play a big role, too. 

I am just recently off the experience of watching grandkids come into my world.  It has been too long since my own kids traveled that early step of human development.  There is no question mom was the key figure for all of my grandkids.  Dad was ok when mom was not around.  And gradually, the social circle became wider.  Not too long into the human development process I, as a grandparent, came to be part of the infant’s belonging universe.  It’s given me a chance to reflect on that process. 

Even as an adult, belonging is a tricky process.  Some group units, like the immediate family, were chosen for us.  For the youngster, that is the first tricky part.  Even though we are plopped into a specific family, we never really chose that deal.  Sadly, as we know, some of the deals are not good.  Some kids come into families, who don’t want them.  The infant begins to experience a world which is not trustworthy.  The only thing they can count on is a bad deal.  That is tragic.   

Many of us are quite lucky.  Our given family unit is a good deal.  Trust develops in some healthy ways and we are on our way with support and encouragement.  My two daughters were and are those kinds of moms.  My grandkids hit the jackpot.  If they screw it up, it is their fault!  And that leads to the next observation. 

In many instances, we are able to choose whether we want to belong.  Again in the case of my grandkids, they have a good deal.  But they may or may not see it that way.  As they grow older, they can choose not to belong.  That does not mean they won’t be part of the family, but they can opt out of any sense of belonging.  At some age, you have that choice.  In this sense, belonging is more than mere membership.  They will always have been members of that family.  Whether or not they choose to belong is their choice. 

We have all heard of families who for some reason “disown” a kid.  This means they want to take away his or her membership.  Genetically, that is not possible.  But you can disown someone by not allowing him or her to belong.  To understand belonging in this fashion is to see it in its psychological arena.  In fact, belonging is a deeply psychological word. 

I realize that the normal way to describe belonging is to use feeling words.  We say we feel like we belong.  It is more rare to say you think you belong.  Put this way it might indicate a feeling of not being sure.  This is interesting because in terms of human development, we know that humans feeling is an earlier stage of brain development.   

The next observation to be made is to recognize what comes with that feeling of belonging.  Belonging is an identity marker.  Not only do we have a sense of ourselves; we have a sense of ourselves with others.  We matter.  Someone wants us and wants to have us around.  We are perceived to have value and, thereby, are valuable.  That elicits self-esteem.  That brings all kinds of side benefits.  We feel safe.  We tend to feel more optimistic and hopeful.  Trust comes easier.  Because of this, we are inclined to share and can even act more selflessly.  This is because we trust we will be given in return. 

We know that a lack of belonging can damage our health---physically, psychologically and spiritually.  And this brings me to an explicit look at spiritual groups---churches, etc.  Above all else, these should be groups who can offer a sense of belonging to anyone who wants to belong.  That is how I read the ministry of Jesus.  Spiritual groups should be invitational and inclusive.  Of course, the various groups will have different identities and, perhaps, boundaries.  This is where we get the blessed diversity. 

But there should be multiple groups that can say to anyone: welcome.  You can be part of us and matter.  Come on in---rather than get out or go away.  These groups should be models of peace-making and love enhancing.  They should be paradigms of our hoped-for future. 

In a word, they are the kingdom on earth.  That is a tall order, but there is much at stake.  The alternative---not belonging---surely is and will be hell.