I can imagine, when we see the title of this little piece, we think, oh no, I have plenty of loneliness without getting more! Getting more is not the point; to the contrary, I hope to find ways to lessen it for all of us. We had an earlier look at some features of loneliness which have helped me think about it. For example, I was helped by the three-part distinction offered by Jeremy Nobel, who teaches at Harvard. He distinguishes loneliness that is psychological or interpersonal, from existential loneliness to, finally, societal. At times, I am sure I have experienced all three.
In these thoughts I am following some leads from an insightful article in the alum magazine from my alma mater. The first thing I want to share here is the recognition that “Loneliness was rising even before the pandemic.” 33) Vivek Murthy, former US Surgeon General, observes, “Modern progress has brought unprecedented advances that make it easier for us technically to connect.” But he is quick to add that “often these advances create unforeseen challenges that make us feel more alone and disconnected.” The themes I want to flag are connection and disconnection.
Psychologically, interpersonally and societally we want to be connected. If we grew up in a good healthy family, connection was built into the system. There was good, basic trust that is the bedrock of connection. When we feel connected, typically we don’t feel lonely. And that may be the tricky part of our modern technology. On the surface, it enables us to be widely connected. We have multiple Facebook friends, Twitter followers and the like. But none of these “feel” like good, solid connections. Without notice we can be deleted from someone’s life!
When this happens, connection ceases---we now talk about disconnection. Colloquially we hear people talking about “dropped calls.” For no apparent reason the phone call we were on suddenly is cut off. But we can call back. Disconnection is a long-term, irreversible dropped call. It is as if the friendship---any connection---hangs up on us and there is no call back. Disconnection puts us on an island. We may or may not be alone. But we do feel lonely. As unbelievable as it is, we can feel lonely in a group or crowd.
And as Jacob Sweet, author of the article I am referencing says, “loneliness begets loneliness.” This is like the interest in a bank account or savings fund. In a good way, good things grow and compound. But sadly, the reverse is also true. It is unfortunate, but the lonely tend to become even more lonely. At some point, it can feel like it will be unending. There is no solution. Hope is lost. And unsurprisingly, this can lead to depression and melancholy, as we call it in spiritual language. This can cause us to feel lethargic and it may well lead to a sense there is no meaning or purpose in life. Life is pointless. Clearly, this can take us to some dark, dangerous places.
Robert Waldinger, a psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital, offers a fascinating observation. He suggests, “What the pandemic did was it froze our lives, right?” (34) “It froze us in these weird positions where we’re closer than we want to be to some people, and we’re too distant from others.” He continues to mention what he calls “weak ties.” These are the connections you may have at the coffee shop you get coffee from each morning. There are two or three servers like that in my life. I might know their names, but almost nothing about them. But they are always there. There are exchanged smiles and maybe some pretty superficial comment. But they are part of the fabric of my life. Waldinger claims, “these ties are meaningful and predominately positive.” I am glad to read about weak ties. I realize I have many such connections. They are not special, but apparently they are more important than I would have guessed.
The final thing I want to bring comes from Tyler Vanderweele, who directs Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program. I know a bit about this and am impressed. He notes six dimensions of well-being. They are happiness and life satisfaction; mental and physical health; meaning and purpose; character and virtue; close social relationships and, finally, financial and material stability.” (35) I am convinced there is a connection between well-being and loneliness. Loneliness is a good example of the lack of well-being. When we are lonely, we are not well.
I think all six of these dimensions (with the possible exception of financial) can be seen in spiritual terms. For me this means there are spiritual ways of addressing each of them. It gives me a direct, more specific way to work on loneliness. For example, it is easy to see that friendship is part of a close social relationship. Friendship should always be possible to create and cultivate.
As we go forward, I may come back to these six dimensions and see how spirituality can shape and direct our lives in a growing, connected, thriving way.
Those of us who have read theology or, perhaps, those who are people of faith and are old enough might well recognize this title as a reminder of the late Jewish philosopher and theologian, Martin Buber. I remember reading Buber’s book, I and Thou , when I was in college in the 1960s. It was already a famous book by then. I am not sure I fully understood it, but that would not be the last time I read it. It has been a while since I looked at the book. Buber came up in a conversation with a friend who asked if I had seen the recent article by David Brooks? I had not seen it, but when I was told about it, I knew I would quickly locate and read that piece. I very much like what Brooks decides to write about and what he contributes to societal conversation. I wish more people read him and took him seriously. Brooks’ article focused on the 2016 contentious election. He provocatively suggests, “Read Buber, Not the Polls!” I think Brooks puts
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