The Happiness Trap

I thought about the happiness trap as I was reading an editorial in an online newspaper.  I am aware that happiness is a big thing.  I am confident if you asked the college students I teach what their goal might be, a quick answer would be they want to be happy.  I concur.  I want to be happy, too.  I suppose any sane person would rather be happy than sad.  Happiness is a basic human desire.  The real question is how do we become happy?  

The editorial I read approached this latter question in a helpful fashion, which leads me to want to share some of the insights.  Finally, for me the insights lead to some spiritual reflections.  The editorial is by Ruth Whippman.  She writes a piece entitled, “Happiness is Other People.”  This title gives away her answer, but let’s follow her argument in order to appreciate more fully that happiness is other people.  

I admit I never heard of her.  So I did a quick search and found out she is a British journalist who came to this country to live in California.  Obviously, she has been on the happiness trail for a while.  I see she has two recent books, America the Anxious and The Pursuit of Happiness.  In all likelihood this editorial is going to drive me to her two books and later I will have much more to say.  But right now we’ll stay with the editorial.     

As I began her editorial, I discovered some wit.  For example, she opens with this line: “In a particularly low moment a few years back, after arriving friendless and lonely from Britain to live in the United States, I downloaded a “happiness app” onto my phone.”  As you might expect, downloaded messages to be happy didn’t always work.  The messages were happy, but she was not always happy.  She needed something more or different.  She learned quite a bit from her research and concludes, “…I’ve noticed that this particular strain of happiness advice — the kind that pitches the search for contentment as an internal, personal quest, divorced from other people — has become increasingly common.”  

In many ways the phrase within this sentence says it all.  In this country the search for happiness too often is seen as an internal, personal quest, divorced from other people.  As you might guess, she is going to take us in another direction.  I doubt the reason is to be found in the fact that she is British.  It is more likely that she tried the American approach and realized it does not always work.  However, I agree our culture pushes the internal option.  Whippman notes, “In an individualistic culture powered by self-actualization, the idea that happiness should be engineered from the inside out, rather than the outside in, is slowly taking on the status of a default truism.”  In this perspective, we are responsible for our own happiness.  

Whippman offers a detailed look at this American perspective, which I share here, since it helps us see what is at stake.  She describes it thus.  “This is happiness framed as journey of self-discovery, rather than the natural byproduct of engaging with the world; a happiness that stresses emotional independence rather than interdependence; one based on the idea that meaningful contentment can be found only by a full exploration of the self, a deep dive into our innermost souls and the intricacies and tripwires of our own personalities.  Step 1: Find Yourself. Step 2: Be Yourself.”  

Whippman even anticipates where I wanted to go.  She observes, “Spiritual and religious practice is slowly shifting from a community-based endeavor to a private one, with silent meditation retreats, mindfulness apps and yoga classes replacing church socials and collective worship.”  This is a trenchant observation.  Spiritual practice frequently is private-based.  I like the alternative, which she describes as community-based.  Clearly, it is not either/or.  But I agree with her that the private-based spiritual practice has become commonplace.    

It is not just the apps for the phone.  It is the conviction that with some effort, self-discovery will take me where I want to do: self-knowledge and its subsequent happiness.  She cuts to the chase with information I have seen countless times.  Whippman notes, “Study after study shows that good social relationships are the strongest, most consistent predictor there is of a happy life, even going so far as to call them a “necessary condition for happiness,” meaning that humans can’t actually be happy without them.”  I would add some significant social relationships need to be spiritual relationships---with God and each other.  Without this, the best we can do with respect to happiness is not likely to be deep and satisfying.    

Whippman continues to share material that I have included in my recent book.  For example, she raises a warning when she notes, “What’s more, neglecting our social relationships is actually shockingly dangerous to our health.  Research shows that a lack of social connection carries with it a risk of premature death comparable to that of smoking, and is roughly twice as dangerous to our health as obesity.”  

The research is firm.  If you want to be happy, find yourself with people---good people are better.  And if you can add the spiritual dimension, even better.  This will add the possibility of having relationships that transcend self-importance.  Of course, you are important.  And so am I.  But we don’t exist in a cocoon.  If we are going to be happy butterflies, we have to emerge.  We need to find ourselves with others.    

It will be the others who help us see and understand our beauty.  And they will help us be happy.  If we want to be average Americans, we may well fall into the happiness trap!