I recognize that some folks might see this one-word title and have no idea what it means. I am sure nearly every student in one of my classrooms has no clue. And I also know, not one of them would bother to look it up, although with technology, it takes about one-fifth the amount of time it used to go to a dictionary and look up a word. In my mind I did this all the time, but maybe that is another lie I am telling myself as I get older! But I do know I realized in college how limited my vocabulary was. I had to learn a bunch of new words.
It is a good guess that unrequited is the opposite of requited. So we can look up this word and discover that requite means offer something appropriate in return for a favor, gift or even a wrongdoing. It means if someone is kind to me, I try to return the favor---I “requite” their kindness. The same goes for wrongdoing. To talk about unrequited, therefore, means that whatever is done is not met with something appropriate to that action. For example, if I have loved someone, he or she might not love back. If I reward someone, they may not bother even to say thank you. My action is unrequited.
I take pains to paint the picture, because I recently read the little section, “Unrequited,” in David Whyte’s rewarding, but challenging, reflections he calls Consolations. Whyte begins that reflection with these words, “Unrequited love is the love human beings experience most of the time.” (229) This is sad news, because I think most of us love and expect or, at least, hope we are loved in return. And we usually have preconceived ideas of what that returned love will look like. Whyte tells us it usually does not happen---or happen that way. Maybe this is why there is so much sadness in love!
Whyte begins the deeper reflection on love. He pines, “The very need to be fully requited may be to turn from the possibilities of love itself.” I take this to mean our hope or need for our love to be requited does in the very possibility of love itself. As I think more into this, I realize for myself how love can actually be a form of manipulation or control. In fact, it is not even legitimate to call this love. It is as if we are trying to get or force something in the name of love. I call it love---and may even feel like it is love---but I do not intend for the other to be totally free to respond as they want. I am loving in order to get what I want! I am sure I have been guilty of this.
Whyte helps me understand the dynamics of this love process. He says, “Men and women have always had difficulty with the way a love returned hardly ever resembles a love given, but unrequited love may be the form that love mostly takes; for what affection is ever returned over time in the same measure or quality with which it is given?” Touché. That is a French term that says the point made is right on---true enough.
The love returned is often disappointing. The love returned does not look or feel like what I expected or hoped for. And I might even push further by offering more love and being even more disappointed. Thinking about it now, I realize other people will not necessarily offer the affection I most want. If I am to offer love without control or manipulation, then I offer the other person the freedom to love in return---if they want to and as they want to. Of course, this feels risky. Of course, I may well be disappointed. Probably not.
Whyte shares one further comment I want to use. He asks very simply, “What other human being could ever love us as we need to be loved?” This is a powerful question that I cannot dodge. My instinctive answer is to say, “No other human being can love that way.” As disappointing as this may be, I think it is true. Where does this leave us?
I think it leaves us on one of two places. The first place is ultimately disappointing. No other human being can love that way…and that means it never can or will happen. In a sense this is a tragedy---it is ultimately sad. The other direction drives us toward God or some Ultimate Being. Clearly, this is where I want to go. Just because no other human being can love me the way I need to be loved does not mean tragedy.
There is good news. God is love. And God not only can, but wants to, love me the way I need to be loved. It finally is a comedy. We can smile. We can laugh. We can even cry out with glee. If I can firmly believe this and make myself available to its reality, then it is going to be easier to quite looking for it from another human being. It frees me up to free them up from an expectation that cannot come true.
More good news. This kind of divine love is not competitive. God can love you just as much as God loves me. If you win, it does not mean I lose! That is the ultimate win-win…and I am delighted by it all.
Those of us who have read theology or, perhaps, those who are people of faith and are old enough might well recognize this title as a reminder of the late Jewish philosopher and theologian, Martin Buber. I remember reading Buber’s book, I and Thou , when I was in college in the 1960s. It was already a famous book by then. I am not sure I fully understood it, but that would not be the last time I read it. It has been a while since I looked at the book. Buber came up in a conversation with a friend who asked if I had seen the recent article by David Brooks? I had not seen it, but when I was told about it, I knew I would quickly locate and read that piece. I very much like what Brooks decides to write about and what he contributes to societal conversation. I wish more people read him and took him seriously. Brooks’ article focused on the 2016 contentious election. He provocatively suggests, “Read Buber, Not the Polls!” I think Brooks puts
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