Yesterday I wrote a reflection on the short section on “unrequited” in David Whyte’s book, Consolations. This is a challenging, deeply profound book and the little piece with this strange title belongs in that category. Requited means I get back what I put out in a relationship or in the world. For example, if I am kind, I am requited with kindness back to me. It is probably obvious this is what many of us are looking for in relationships.
Unrequited, on the other hand, means we don’t get back in kind what we gave out. If we are honest, much of our loving has gone unrequited. And in my case, I am sure I have done it to others. Naturally, it is much easier to complain about what I didn’t get, than it is to experience the guilt of having fallen short in my own efforts at loving. This is why I read with such interest what this poet from Ireland, but living in the US, was going to tell me.
Whyte puts in his own words what I just tried to say. He writes, “Whether our affections are caught in romantic love, trying to see our neighbors as ourselves or trying to love a great but distant God, our love rarely seems to be returned in the mode that it is given.” (230) Whyte then adds a thought that I will take as a warning. He observes, “Human beings live in disappointment when they refuse to love unless they are loved in the selfsame way in return.” To me this means if we want requited love, we will be disappointed. And if we continue to hope or insist that our love needs to be requited, we have effectively put ourselves in a prison of disappointment. This reminds me of the old joke about sanity. Sanity is doing the same thing over and over, while expecting a different result.
If we truly want to love and, perhaps, have some hope to be loved in return, then we may have to settle for unrequited love. I am only beginning to wrap my head around this. Again, Whyte offers me some guidance. He encourages me with these words. “The great discipline seems to be to give up wanting to control the manner in which we are requited, and to forgo the natural disappointment that flows from expecting an exact and measured reciprocation, from a partner, from a child, from our hopes for a loving God.” (231) I understand these words and, I think, I understand how they can be both a more mature way to look at love and that it would be good for me. But it is going to take some time to live into it!
Let’s unpack it a little. Interestingly, he calls it a discipline. Learning about unrequited love is not something only lucky people get. Rather, I am confident it is a work---a growth effort. We can do it, but we have to get into shape. And then Whyte drops the bombshell on me. We have to give up control. It is like he read my mind and heart. I am free to love, but I have to let go of loving in such a way that I control or manipulate the response---the requited love I want in return.
This explains so much to me. It explains why I have tried to love in this fashion. It is not that I was a bad guy; it is that I wanted to be loved. And I knew how I wanted it. And of course, you can’t be sure the other---or Other---would love back the way you wanted. So better control the situation! But then I never got what I wanted---real love from the other---Other. And then I would be disappointed---Whyte was correct.
The next thing he advised was to forgo the natural disappointment that comes from our expectation that we would be getting back requited love. The only reassurance here is recognizing that my disappointment was natural---but that’s not much solace. It seems ok to know that we hope that we can be loved---we want it. But what is in our control is how we love without strings, manipulation, etc. I suspect this is going to be a lifetime of growth ahead for me.
The goal is to learn how to love and to do it better and more widely. I do own it as a goal, but now I have a better idea what a challenge it is going to be.
It requires discipline. I know enough about discipline to know that I have to do something repeatedly and with regularity. This kind of love cannot be like the weekend jogger. It won’t be difficult to find folks to love. My life is full of them: family, friends and a whole bunch of strangers. And there is always God, who is a whole different matter. Love is not a general thing---it is specific and in the moment. It probably has more to do with action than simply conveying some vague feeling.
I know enough about forming discipline to know that having a coach or friend who helps keep one on track is a good idea. It sounds a little weird to say I want a “love coach.” But having someone know what I want to do and who is committed to helping me reflect, revise and respond in new ways is not a bad idea. It is a good idea to have someone routinely reminded me that most loving is unrequited.
Finally, I am good with that. Unrequited love is better than no love at all.
Those of us who have read theology or, perhaps, those who are people of faith and are old enough might well recognize this title as a reminder of the late Jewish philosopher and theologian, Martin Buber. I remember reading Buber’s book, I and Thou , when I was in college in the 1960s. It was already a famous book by then. I am not sure I fully understood it, but that would not be the last time I read it. It has been a while since I looked at the book. Buber came up in a conversation with a friend who asked if I had seen the recent article by David Brooks? I had not seen it, but when I was told about it, I knew I would quickly locate and read that piece. I very much like what Brooks decides to write about and what he contributes to societal conversation. I wish more people read him and took him seriously. Brooks’ article focused on the 2016 contentious election. He provocatively suggests, “Read Buber, Not the Polls!” I think Brooks puts
I you really need requited love, get a dog. LOL
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