I have been interested in friendships since I was pretty young. I suspect that everyone is interested in friendships, although many folks may not give it sustained thought like I have. When I was in my early school years, friendships were perhaps the most important thing about school. Of course, the preferred answer would have been to say learning was the most important thing. But I figured if you were in school, you would naturally learn. But friendships are not a guarantee.
All we have to think about is the prevalence of bullying. That still makes headlines in unfortunate ways. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture of friendship. Making friends is not always easy---maybe it is never easy. I say this particularly after having studied and, even, taught a class on friendship. What I am sure is too many people have a very loose definition of friendship. When I first meet someone and then announce I have a “new friend,” that simply can’t be true in my definition. It takes more than one meeting to have a “new friend.”
I know I have commented before, but the notion of friend and friendship took on a whole new level of meaning when I was learning Greek. I learned that the Greek word for friend, typically called philos, is actually one of the Greek words for “love.” I liked the idea that friends are actually one form of lovers! I know it sounds funny to put it that way, but in terms of word meanings, it is appropriate. I can also say there are other Greek words for love that would suggest sacrificial love and erotic love.
Over the years, I have become aware of the many studies that folks have done on the concept of friendships. Psychologists, sociologists and various science folks have looked at the idea of friendship. In almost every study friendship comes off as a good thing. Of course, this does presuppose that we are actually talking about friends. This is where the distinction between friends and acquaintances becomes important. I am not sure there is such a thing as a “bad friend.” I do think friends can act badly. So when I talk about friends, I am talking about a good thing---an asset and a valuable presence in our lives.
And that leads me to my main concern in this inspirational piece. In effect, I want to focus on what I call the benefits of friendships. Most of what I share comes from both my experience and the various things I have read. In the first place I say friends make us feel better. That is certainly a psychological facet of friendship. No doubt, it also has physical aspects, as well as psycho-social aspects. Having a friends is an all-around good thing.
Friends make us feel better because we feel included, needed, valued and valuable. Those are feelings you cannot buy in the pharmacy---although some folks chase these kinds of experience through drugs. Good friends are cheap and legal. Of course, no friendship is perfect---without occasional anguish and maybe anger. But authentic friends always find a way back into relationship. Genuine friends know how to say “sorry,” amend for the wrong and restore the connection. And these troubled times often give depth to the friendship.
It has been proven to my satisfaction that friendships make us healthier. I am sure there are physiological reasons for this, but most of us know that friends enable us to have a more positive attitude. We seem to have a brighter view of ourselves and our world when we have the blessing of friends. Good friends help us be more engaged. Having friends give us a better sense of ourselves. Having a friend makes it more likely I see myself as worthy and valuable. In effect, friendships enhance self-esteem.
I am less sure this next point is empirically true, but I think it probably is. I think friends tend to make us more optimistic. Perhaps optimism is also a factor of self-esteem. If I see myself as someone having worth and of value, it is more likely I will see the world more optimistically. That does not mean it always goes perfectly. Mistakes will be made. But friends make me more resilient. They help me be confident in myself and my ability.
All this is spiritual for me. It connected when I learned that the passage in John’s Gospel on which Quakers base their connection is grounded in love and friendship. That verse says that Jesus turns to his disciples and tells them, “I call you friends.” (15:15) It means a great deal to me that the primary relationship of Jesus and the disciples is friendship. That means to me friendship is a key spiritual experience. To be spiritual means that we commit to friendship with God and friendship with each other. It is the core experience of community.
I would argue even further to say that friendship is the principal motivator for peace. If we can learn to make peace, instead of enemies, the world has a chance to become the kingdom of God. When Jesus calls us to be friends, he is calling us to love and to be peacemakers. To begin to learn about friendship at an early age is a perfect way to begin to learn how to be spiritual.
The good news is we begin to learn about the benefits of friendship.
All we have to think about is the prevalence of bullying. That still makes headlines in unfortunate ways. I don’t want to paint an unrealistic picture of friendship. Making friends is not always easy---maybe it is never easy. I say this particularly after having studied and, even, taught a class on friendship. What I am sure is too many people have a very loose definition of friendship. When I first meet someone and then announce I have a “new friend,” that simply can’t be true in my definition. It takes more than one meeting to have a “new friend.”
I know I have commented before, but the notion of friend and friendship took on a whole new level of meaning when I was learning Greek. I learned that the Greek word for friend, typically called philos, is actually one of the Greek words for “love.” I liked the idea that friends are actually one form of lovers! I know it sounds funny to put it that way, but in terms of word meanings, it is appropriate. I can also say there are other Greek words for love that would suggest sacrificial love and erotic love.
Over the years, I have become aware of the many studies that folks have done on the concept of friendships. Psychologists, sociologists and various science folks have looked at the idea of friendship. In almost every study friendship comes off as a good thing. Of course, this does presuppose that we are actually talking about friends. This is where the distinction between friends and acquaintances becomes important. I am not sure there is such a thing as a “bad friend.” I do think friends can act badly. So when I talk about friends, I am talking about a good thing---an asset and a valuable presence in our lives.
And that leads me to my main concern in this inspirational piece. In effect, I want to focus on what I call the benefits of friendships. Most of what I share comes from both my experience and the various things I have read. In the first place I say friends make us feel better. That is certainly a psychological facet of friendship. No doubt, it also has physical aspects, as well as psycho-social aspects. Having a friends is an all-around good thing.
Friends make us feel better because we feel included, needed, valued and valuable. Those are feelings you cannot buy in the pharmacy---although some folks chase these kinds of experience through drugs. Good friends are cheap and legal. Of course, no friendship is perfect---without occasional anguish and maybe anger. But authentic friends always find a way back into relationship. Genuine friends know how to say “sorry,” amend for the wrong and restore the connection. And these troubled times often give depth to the friendship.
It has been proven to my satisfaction that friendships make us healthier. I am sure there are physiological reasons for this, but most of us know that friends enable us to have a more positive attitude. We seem to have a brighter view of ourselves and our world when we have the blessing of friends. Good friends help us be more engaged. Having friends give us a better sense of ourselves. Having a friend makes it more likely I see myself as worthy and valuable. In effect, friendships enhance self-esteem.
I am less sure this next point is empirically true, but I think it probably is. I think friends tend to make us more optimistic. Perhaps optimism is also a factor of self-esteem. If I see myself as someone having worth and of value, it is more likely I will see the world more optimistically. That does not mean it always goes perfectly. Mistakes will be made. But friends make me more resilient. They help me be confident in myself and my ability.
All this is spiritual for me. It connected when I learned that the passage in John’s Gospel on which Quakers base their connection is grounded in love and friendship. That verse says that Jesus turns to his disciples and tells them, “I call you friends.” (15:15) It means a great deal to me that the primary relationship of Jesus and the disciples is friendship. That means to me friendship is a key spiritual experience. To be spiritual means that we commit to friendship with God and friendship with each other. It is the core experience of community.
I would argue even further to say that friendship is the principal motivator for peace. If we can learn to make peace, instead of enemies, the world has a chance to become the kingdom of God. When Jesus calls us to be friends, he is calling us to love and to be peacemakers. To begin to learn about friendship at an early age is a perfect way to begin to learn how to be spiritual.
The good news is we begin to learn about the benefits of friendship.
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