Recently, I was asked by someone, can you help? It was a fairly easy request and I tried to help and time marched on. I hope I was helpful. It was not a life or death situation, so the hope was my help made the situation a little better. But now, after the incident, I have been thinking about that simple question: can you help? Let me share my thoughts.
It is a really simple question---three words. It is a relational question, since it involves two or more people. When the question is a real question, the answer is open-ended. Someone might say yes or no to the request to help. Finally, it is possible for someone to say, yes, I will help and it turns out whatever that person did was not helpful. Let’s explore deeper.
Can you help is a real question. If I am asking that of someone, I know they have a choice. They can say yes or they can decline. Asking someone for help puts us in a vulnerable place. We have already expressed our desire, or even need, for them to do something. There is risk in our petition. We know we might be turned down---denied. I reckon this is why so many of us---maybe especially men---don’t want to ask for help
To ask for help is not only a vulnerable place to be. It also sets up a power differential. To ask for help implies we are not powerful. We don’t have the capacity to solve something or get out of a problem. We need someone else to step in and lend a hand. In asking, we assume they have enough power to make a difference. To ask someone to help suggests I am weak and need your strength.
In some ways this can become an identity issue. To ask for help may seemingly make me a weak person. If I see myself as strong and independent, the last thing I want to appear is weak. To see myself in that vein means I need to act strong---even pretend---so I can preserve that self-image. Asking for help cracks that self-image. And so I will carry on as I am.
The other thing at stake in making myself vulnerable by asking for help is the risk of hearing someone say no. This may feel like a rejection. We blow their “no” out of proportion and make it more significant than it probably is. To ask for help and be told “no” or “I can’t right now” again attacks my identity. I may feel unwanted or undervalued. I can turn it into an issue of love. To be told no can lead me to conclude I am unlovable. No one cares. I am all alone. And so the self-argument unravels in my mind.
Let’s turn the attention to myself being asked to help. How do I respond when asked for help? As I think about this, I realize I have responded very well and helpfully and have I done it poorly. No doubt, my response has precipitated some of the issues just discussed. All this leads me to think about myself and how I respond to such a request.
In the first instance, I know I would say I am always wanting to be helpful. I suspect this is true for most people. And I hope that is really true: I do want generally to be helpful. But I also am aware there may be some discrepancy for me. I am pretty sure a big part of me does want to be helpful. But I also realize it is a part of my self-identity. I want to see myself as the kind of person who is helpful. That helps me develop a picture of myself that I want others to see as the real “me.” Hence, I am sure I project that image of someone who always wants to be helpful.
The discrepancy inside me accepts wanting to be helpful is part of who I am---at least, that is how I see myself and project that. But I also acknowledge another part of me may be what I call a discriminate helper. That means I discriminate between the requests for help. For example, if you are a friend, I think I am always there for the person. But if it comes to someone for whom I don’t really care, I am more reluctant to want to help. I might say in those situations, “I can’t right now.” I procrastinate in my help or even put it off.
This is a spiritual issue for me. I am sure Jesus wants us to help. Helping is a form of love. And I am also sure Jesus wants helpers who don’t discriminate. Sure helping friends is easy; helping strangers or enemies is radical love. It is gospel action. It is the right thing to do. Get yourself and your own petty issues out of the way and get to it!
That stuff is easy to type and hard to live. I discover that if I am asked to be helpful and first think about myself, I am probably not being gospel guided. It is hard to Jesus thinking about himself first when he was asked for help. Real help is self-transcending. It is not about me. It is other-focused.
Helping others is not about you. It is not about self-identity, reputation or any of that. It is actually a love question. Can you help is a petition for me to become “us.” I step in and the two of us are better and stronger. And if I am the one asking the question, I want the other to join me and help me be better and stronger. I am confident this is the gospel mindset that becomes gospel action when asked for.
It is a really simple question---three words. It is a relational question, since it involves two or more people. When the question is a real question, the answer is open-ended. Someone might say yes or no to the request to help. Finally, it is possible for someone to say, yes, I will help and it turns out whatever that person did was not helpful. Let’s explore deeper.
Can you help is a real question. If I am asking that of someone, I know they have a choice. They can say yes or they can decline. Asking someone for help puts us in a vulnerable place. We have already expressed our desire, or even need, for them to do something. There is risk in our petition. We know we might be turned down---denied. I reckon this is why so many of us---maybe especially men---don’t want to ask for help
To ask for help is not only a vulnerable place to be. It also sets up a power differential. To ask for help implies we are not powerful. We don’t have the capacity to solve something or get out of a problem. We need someone else to step in and lend a hand. In asking, we assume they have enough power to make a difference. To ask someone to help suggests I am weak and need your strength.
In some ways this can become an identity issue. To ask for help may seemingly make me a weak person. If I see myself as strong and independent, the last thing I want to appear is weak. To see myself in that vein means I need to act strong---even pretend---so I can preserve that self-image. Asking for help cracks that self-image. And so I will carry on as I am.
The other thing at stake in making myself vulnerable by asking for help is the risk of hearing someone say no. This may feel like a rejection. We blow their “no” out of proportion and make it more significant than it probably is. To ask for help and be told “no” or “I can’t right now” again attacks my identity. I may feel unwanted or undervalued. I can turn it into an issue of love. To be told no can lead me to conclude I am unlovable. No one cares. I am all alone. And so the self-argument unravels in my mind.
Let’s turn the attention to myself being asked to help. How do I respond when asked for help? As I think about this, I realize I have responded very well and helpfully and have I done it poorly. No doubt, my response has precipitated some of the issues just discussed. All this leads me to think about myself and how I respond to such a request.
In the first instance, I know I would say I am always wanting to be helpful. I suspect this is true for most people. And I hope that is really true: I do want generally to be helpful. But I also am aware there may be some discrepancy for me. I am pretty sure a big part of me does want to be helpful. But I also realize it is a part of my self-identity. I want to see myself as the kind of person who is helpful. That helps me develop a picture of myself that I want others to see as the real “me.” Hence, I am sure I project that image of someone who always wants to be helpful.
The discrepancy inside me accepts wanting to be helpful is part of who I am---at least, that is how I see myself and project that. But I also acknowledge another part of me may be what I call a discriminate helper. That means I discriminate between the requests for help. For example, if you are a friend, I think I am always there for the person. But if it comes to someone for whom I don’t really care, I am more reluctant to want to help. I might say in those situations, “I can’t right now.” I procrastinate in my help or even put it off.
This is a spiritual issue for me. I am sure Jesus wants us to help. Helping is a form of love. And I am also sure Jesus wants helpers who don’t discriminate. Sure helping friends is easy; helping strangers or enemies is radical love. It is gospel action. It is the right thing to do. Get yourself and your own petty issues out of the way and get to it!
That stuff is easy to type and hard to live. I discover that if I am asked to be helpful and first think about myself, I am probably not being gospel guided. It is hard to Jesus thinking about himself first when he was asked for help. Real help is self-transcending. It is not about me. It is other-focused.
Helping others is not about you. It is not about self-identity, reputation or any of that. It is actually a love question. Can you help is a petition for me to become “us.” I step in and the two of us are better and stronger. And if I am the one asking the question, I want the other to join me and help me be better and stronger. I am confident this is the gospel mindset that becomes gospel action when asked for.
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